Life's Krispy Kreme Challenges

(Editor's Note: A version of this column will appear in THE SCENE on Friday. But as devoted followers we thought we'd give you a taste first, before someone actually edits Dave's work)

On February 6 I’ll be in North Carolina for the Krispy Kreme challenge. The challenge requires you to run two miles, then stuff your face with 12 Krispy Kremes and then run two more miles. There is an optional break to throw up, but that’s left up to the 5,500 participants who turn out to support the North Carolina Children’s Hospital.

You’re right to assume this is a daunting task. Last year I finished with a time just under an hour and struggled with both aspects of the challenge. This year I’m training to ensure a better time.

I’ve begun running almost every day and now feel confident about the running portion, even while carrying a load of doughnuts and regret for the last two miles.



The real issue is avoiding the near meltdown of last year when I almost couldn’t finish the doughnuts. That is why I wanted to practice eating Krispy Kremes, but the nearest store is a prohibitively far 140 miles away. So instead I’ll substitute a sweet treat for training purposes (and my slow suicide), because that would be a ridiculous trip in pursuit of a ridiculously trivial challenge.

Although part of the fun in life is making a big deal about the inconsequential. Like how getting geared up for menial battles helps provide meaning in what can seem like an otherwise repetitive and meaningless day.

To this end I’ve detailed some of the obstacles people deal with on a daily basis, which can be inflated to epic proportions.

The “Snooze” Speculation: Every morning you get to be a scientist like Einstein, as you test the relativity of time. Will five extra minutes of sleep make your morning routine more efficient or will the lost time mean losing breakfast? This debate may be moot, since with the snooze button five minutes often escalates into twenty minutes, which is when you get to challenge Einstein’s theories about the speed of light on the Northway. Speaking of which….

Speed Racer: Real Life: In truth we’re all NASCAR fans, it’s just that most of us would rather be driving the cars and not associating with hillbillies. Not only does one get the adrenaline of a high pressure race, commuters get to flaunt the law by blatantly disregarding speed limits.

Lane Change Crisis: While not on par with the Cuban Missile Crisis, this battle of bumpers also comes down to a matter of who will blink first. One car represents the blockade around Cuba, which is cool because you get to play JFK, and the other car embodies a ship from the USSR, which is also appealing since you get to behave like an unwieldy Khrushchev. Ultimately the threat of mutually rising insurance costs keeps everyone acting reasonable.

Caffeine Conundrum: Sure our white collar forbearers got by on eight cups of coffee and a stiff afternoon drink, but today’s miracle science gives us the option of artificially enhancing our performance capabilities. Whether to utilize Red Bull or 5 Hour Energy represent the greatest moral quandary of our day. Especially since we need to rethink things like overtime pay, since we now waste so much time peeing and our hearts are already beating overtime so OT doesn’t have the same meaning.

These four events represent a small fraction of the daily occurrences that let people escape into a world of adventure and intrigue. For more on this topic read my upcoming book, “LOOK AT ME I’M FLYING,” which details the life of a man riding an airplane.