Business Consultant

(Editor’s Note: A version of this article may appear in THE SCENE. This article may not be appropriate for young children or readers that don’t like strained analogies)

In the last week I’ve discovered the infectious tune “Mr. Businessman” by Ray Stevens, and worn away the song’s metaphorical record grooves.

Constant playing has ingrained the lyrics into my consciousness and I began to ponder their meaning as a result. While not normally the type of person who would try to analyze words in a pop song, it felt like Ray was speaking to me and I had to digest his message.

Avoiding the obvious, since 99 cents on iTunes had earned me the right to be delusional, I latched onto the idea that references to “taking care of business” were an allusion to sex. I then concluded that Ray had made an inspirational piece aimed at rallying men to become thriving businessmen (if you catch my drift).

Ultimately the song fails to deliver any clear solution for success the way the Beatles did in their prescription for happiness, which was a warm gun.

Contemplating the flaws in my personal business model I again moved beyond the obvious, such as my doughy physique, fringe personality, abnormal facial growth masquerading as a beard and penchant for dressing like the homeless, and seized upon a rationale less upsetting to my ego. Living with my parents is bad for business and drives away consumers.

With an inhospitable work environment out there, I can’t be the only one whose lack of green has turned them blue as they reside at home, so with the help of arbitrarily chosen music lyrics I’ve found these tips for working out of your parents’ house…

“I want to walk you home. Please let me walk you home (Fats Domino).” – Fun fact, Fats dreamed up this idea in conjunction with the decision that his pizza place should deliver. This option has become a mainstay in every businessman’s repertoire, although in this case the walk of shame only comes after closing a deal.

“I wanna make love in this club, yeah (USHER)” – You wouldn’t entertain a client in your break room, yeah, but just remember that you’re in public and things need to remain somewhat professional, yeah.

“We were out on a date in my daddy's car (Wayne Cochran)”- Because carpooling isn’t just efficient, it’s a throwback to America’s industrial heyday in the 1950s when business was booming. Relive the good old days when every girl knew how to work a stick shift and tops always came down.

“There’s something good, waiting down this road (Tom Petty)” – Business trips are fun, especially if you take the Willy Loman approach.

“Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight (Starland Vocal Band)” – Ideally your company motto should be “when it’s right, it’s right,” but when you’re forced to work from home it is an imperative to finish your business before the nightshift arrives.

“Well I wait so long for my love vibration and I’m dancing with myself (Billy Idol)” – There’s nothing wrong with going into business for yourself, as it allows you to work on your own schedule and enables you to bide your time while you entertain other offers.

“I’ve got to run away. I’ve got to get away (Soft Cell)” – All of these measures aren’t permanent solutions, so ultimately you need to move out for real growth and long-term relationships.