You know the ones I mean. They’re buxom. Usually with fake blond hair or do something goofy with their hair, whether it’s a huge bun or extensions. Oh, and those clothes! It’s like they’ve heard of sluts, but fail to grasp they’re presenting themselves as one. I love it.
But I’m not totally superficial, because I love their attitudes. They’re all about having a good time and with very little thinking. I enjoy turning my brain off.
I have never hooked up with or realistically pursued a girl who could be on the Jersey Shore, and for that I’m eternally disappointed. I guess there is still time for me to get a six pack, embrace my Italian roots and pour gel into my hair like it’s on fire. Alas, I fear this reality, where I’m hob knobbing it with the type of girls my friend Alex mocks me about, shall never come to fruition.
What’s nice about these girls, which apparently are prevalent on the Jersey Shore, is that they’re not limited to the Jersey Shore. I can think of two off the top of my head who fit the mold from my high school. Wherever you’re from you probably know this type of girl. Tell me you’re not in love with them, just a little bit, and I’ll call you a liar.
So this was my initial attraction to the show, yet what convinced me to tune in for real was Bill Simmons’ positive recommendation. That just put me over the edge.
So here are some Jersey Shore thoughts…
• The people in this house are going to create a new form of VD that will kill us all. It will be immune to antibiotics and will eventually become so powerful that Sammie Sweetheart will become attracted to it.
• Love Vinny’s understanding of the world. He definitely is the most self-aware. He just chooses this lifestyle. His assessment of everyone in the house is the closest to my thoughts on the people. Love that he doesn’t think Sammie is hot and I love that he immediately realized he would want the isolated room. Vinny is going to either stick out like a sore thumb because he’s a little different or the other morons (that’s the equivalent to Guido) will be fascinated with him and they’ll all get along. I’d say 30% chance someone comes into his confessional after overhearing him and punches him in the face.
• Snooki is the ugliest girl on the show. She looks old, unattractive and suburned. Ok, they all look a little burned, but it’s not natural light so I’m sure it’s fine.
Anyway, I’m going to cringe every time she is on because I hate girls who think they’re insanely hot and look like a heavy set version of Christina Aguilera if she was kicked in the face by a horse and then decided to emulate that horse’s facial expressions as a sign of respect. That being said (Oh Larry David), I would still hook up with her. She’s also a runaway drunk, which I respect. • Ronny, or ten-pack guy who could kill my whole family, doesn’t seem inclined to wear a shirt. I have no problem with that, since he has a good body. I also appreciate his world view, which primarily revolves around getting laid. I respect that. He’s a simple man. Actually he might not be simple, but his interests are. Very zen. The Phil Jackson of the house.
• “Wear a thong bikini, that’s a little more classy…If you know what I mean.”-Angelina
• Mike and Sammie are holding hands! This romance may not be long lasting, but I’m rooting for these two crazy kids. Their holding of hands seems a little strange. Who knew these kids were so sentimental.
• I could probably do without hearing Snookie throwing up.
• Maybe I’m missing something, but I’m not sure why anyone in the house would be concerned about their “job” and take it seriously. Do you have to leave the show if you get fired? Can you get promoted? Probably my least favorite part of the show, except for the fact it serves to remind us who can and can’t function in the real world.
• Pretty sure I’m in love with Sammie. Yeah, she’s sort of self-aware and is my kind of hot. The total package, maybe? In reality she’s really not that hot. Her close-ups are not doing her any favors.
• “Me, I’m on the outcast.” –Snookie
• Wow, I legitimately like Vinny, Mike and Ronnie. I’m only against Pauly D, and that’s just because he’s a bigot. He can redeem himself! The girls all basically suck, except for Sammie, but her stock is dropping fast.
• So Ronnie referred to Angelina as Jolie. Took me a legit twenty second to figure that nickname out. Love it. Love, love, love it. It is only topped by the fact that Snooki’s dad encourages her to stay on this show. I wonder what his “#1 Dad” mug looks like.
• They lift weights? What? Huh. If they’re going to show that, will they also show their steroid sessions?
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