Twilight isn't too bright

I finally broke down and saw TWILIGHT. I've always been intrigued by the series, as far as I like vampire stories and found the teen drama a new angle (that has since been done to death) interesting.
But this initial attraction wasn't compelling enough for me to actually do anything. Maybe a girlfriend could have dragged me to a movie or a really good book review might have made me open one of them up. Neither event ever transpired, so I remained a twilight virgin until Monday night.
Out of the blue I had the opportunity to watch TWILIGHT at my friend Alex's house and I leaped, with the understanding that I could talk through the whole movie. There was no way I could stay silent through this movie (My biggest explosion came during Ed and Bella's initial reaction, in which he just stares at her and taught me how to pick up chicks).
Simply put, this was not a good movie. It was not a good children's film. It was not a good tweener or teen film. It wasn't a good chick flick. It wasn't a good drama. It was a good action movie. It was bad. It was long. It was boring.
On the plus side, though, it had frequent instances of unintentional comedy. If the snogging in the last Harry Potter movie was bad, this movie took teen romances to a new and even stranger level. Ed's courting of Bella was the strangest thing i had ever seen, which i guess was the point. But did it have to be so darn funny?
I love you. I hate you. I want to have sex with you. I want to eat you. Kids today with their rap music and shiny boyfriends, well needless to say i felt out of the loop at 22.
This movie felt like what I imagine the VAMPIRE DIARIES is like on the CW. Corny. Canned. Cheap.
This movie reflects its meager budget. Meager in comparison to its box office receipts, which were initially in doubt. Honestly, who didn't think this would be a megahit? The idiots that hedged their bets were morons.
The camera work in TWILIGHT could be described as erratic at best. The writing is so heavy handed at some points and vague in others that the story wanders and lacks any cohesion. This problem is inconsequential compared to the utterances Kristen Stewart is forced to spew as Bella. Her awkward delivery was probably a result of the vomit she was stifling back.
TWILIGHT tried to accomplish 85 different things at once, but ended up falling short on every tangent. They were obviously afraid that there wasn't enough meat in the original story that they couldn't attract an audience, but i'd contend the built in fan base would have kept them alive.
What ended up happening was a crammed movie that seems to exist in another dimension, when a compelling part of this book is how in touch it is supposed to be. Any girl could be Bella. That's the dream. Unfortunately this movies lives in a dream world, which is more like a nightmare when you try to watch it.
(Rent TRUE BLOOD instead and watch this SNL parody of Twilight, http://www.hulu.com/watch/107500/saturday-night-live-digital-short-firelight)