New Moon same as the old moon

Let's get the easy part out of the way first, which is that NEW MOON, as a movie, sucks. It's not good. Kristen Stewart's Bella is a strung out heroin addict with more nervous twitches than Kristen Stewart in Adventureland. Much like the teenage drama they're trying to capture, the whole movie feels fake and meaningless. The movie relies heavily on in your face foreshadowing and the story prods along with all the grace of a drunk Clydesdale. The dialogue is tossed back and forth with awkwardness on par with arm amputees trying to play catch. The plot itself is filled with so many holes I'm worried that Bella will begin jumping down them to chase her adrenaline needs.
Basically what I'm saying is that this movie is embarrassingly bad. There is nothing cinematically redeeming about this movie at all. It feels like a series of music videos awkwardly spliced together to drive women wild, and it probably succeeds.
After acknowledging all of that, I would say that the TWILIGHT experience is positive. The trick is taking in the whole package, which includes the off the camera intrigue and the on screen hilarity (even if it is unintentional).
The best part of the movie is Jacob shirtless. His first of many scenes elicited an uproar from me and my male counterparts who had rented the movie. (Three guys and two girls were at the screening.) It's so much fun to root for him to take his shirt off and to wonder how many pairs of jean shorts he goes through in a month. Seriously, every time he changes a redneck cries as denim gets torn to shreds.
A close second in personal enjoyment is the "I'm dangerous. Stay Away, if you can" motif that dominates the movie. Jacob and Ed both want Bella, and while she wants them to want her, they put aside their feelings for her safety. Whenever they begin to explain their predicament I want to repeat John Locke's "don't tell me what i can't do" mantra, as the two are equally ridiculous.
I love that the movie's score and the mood music constantly drone out any dialogue. This signifies the relatively worthlessness of the words, which can be expressed by angry music, sad music, upbeat music (not in this movie) and I'm slitting my wrists in the bathtub movie. Oh yeah, did i not mention how depressing this movie is????
Maybe we're not supposed to laugh at Bella's pain, but I think she is the definition of a teenage drama queen. Her love is so fierce! Her pain is so real! Her dreams are so vivid, and if she wakes up her dad again she's going to Jacksonville. You're all going to Jacksonville to live with your mother! Unless you can stop acting so durn crazy.
Oh Charlie, how you make this movie so much better. Even if he was a deaf mute his mustache would out act Robert Pattinson, who has seen his acting prowess spiraling downward ever since his death as Cedric Diggory in the fourth Harry Potter movie. But Charlie doesn't hide behind his facial hair, he gives gifts and tells his daughter to bang Jacob.
Did I mention Dakota Fanning and Michael Sheen are in this movie? No, well they are. Fanning has about nine lines in the movie, with one of them being the simple utterance of "pain." She still shines, though, as it was a real treat to see her in Kristen Dunst's role from INterviews with a Vampire. As for Sheen, he played his vampire with the complete opposite approach of Pattinson, as he turned his character into a campy villain suited for the 1960s live action Batman. He trounces around like Caesar Romero's Joker with the tongue tying cryptic lines of Frank Gorshin's Riddler.
I'd be remiss if i didn't mention Taylor's abs again. I'm now convinced that besides joining the army, the only other way i could get in great shape is if somebody offered me a role in a vampire movie with the caveat that my abs could grate cheese or clean your whites.
I'm honestly contemplating watching the next movie in theaters, but i wouldn't want to deny my friend the chance to watch the movie in a setting with me where i couldn't give my running commentary. It's not that I don't talk in the movies, it's just that the audience would probably be screaming over me.