Toga native strives to befriend Paris. Episode 1

With my friend Alex Ventre we settled down to watch the first episode of Paris Hilton’s hunt for a new best friend. We were tuned in solely to see the local girl that’s on the show, Kaitlin Cassidy (probably spelled wrong). She was two years ahead of us in high school, and we recognize her, but that’s about it.
I should tell you that we’ve never seen this show before, and for the most part don’t watch MTV. We’re just hoping something ridiculous happens and that it all ends with drinks at the Tin’N’Lint.
Here is the running diary.

Alex: There’s a guy on this show??
Dave: Oh they’re gay guys.
Alex: Well yeah.
Dave; That’s what Paris wants, someone to tell her the truth! You don’t have the nose from a bird of prey.
Dave: I can’t believe I missed the auditions for this. Where do you think they advertised?
Alex:When do you want to help me shoot my survivor application?
Dave; You still want to be on that when you can be on this show instead?
Dave; I’m confused by the flow of this show. It’s all happening so fast
Alex; I heard she had stds in high school
Dave; From who?
Alex; I don’t know. She’s the (name omitted) of two years before us.
Dave:THERE SHE IS! She’s already been called a bimbo!
Alex;That girl looks like Paris.
Alex; Ok, I was going to say. (Turns out he was right, and it was Paris in disguise).
Dave; There’s going to be a lot of screaming. I think I hate Paris, and not just the place…
Dave: Can Nicole Richie try out for this show?
Alex;HEY-OH! I’m the drunk
Kaitlin “Tiny Trouble.” (Learned how to spell it)
Dave: Apparently she’s a devil
Alex; And STD free 2003.
Dave : And they’re drinking!
Alex: Yuckk (reaction to a girl)
Dave: TV in the bathroom. I have that. I bring my computer in the bathroom!
Dave: Kaitlin is taking shots at people! I love it. I hope she wins or I’m not going to last the whole season.
Alex: Male strippers coming? Just kidding… Wait, I was right?
Dave: 2 for 2. Of course this girl has no shame, she’s applying to be the BFF of Paris.
Dave: (I used to be 200 pounds) Woah!
Alex; She’s still heavy…
Dave: Shades of Nicole Richie…
Dave; I like how the narration from Paris is supposed to seem adlibbed, but it’s obviously scripted.
Dave; Kaitlin has a crown on. Did she have that before?
Dave: 2 people up for discussion, what is that?
Alex; I assume it’s a debate.
Dave; Probably shades of Socrates and Plato.
Dave : Road Rules/Real World is still a thing????
Alex: Ryan (his brother) watches that.
Dave; Respect level just went down for him, besides the fact he wouldn’t play night basketball.
Alex; Remember when Paris had a body double on that other show?
Dave; You think it’s her?
Alex; I assume so. It’s not like that lady is getting constant business.
Dave; The fat chick dances!
Alex; That’s disgusting…
Dave: I think Paris will like her.
Alex;The fat girl?
Dave; Make her feel better about herself.
Dave; I don’t know what to root for on this show.

Dave; Kaitlin is reading something! She’s already taking shots at people!! Principle Crowley must be so proud.
Alex: Why is she pretending to be from the ghetto? This is Saratoga…
Dave; I don’t understand the point of her thing.
(Barb has joined)
Alex; DTYM? WHAT in god’s name does that mean?
Barb: Don’t tell your mom!
Alex; Could be.
Barb : They all had their dicks out! (reaction to MTV show)
Dave; And they’re drinking again!
Dave; Kaitlin is going to get trampled by these tall girls.
Barb: Which one is she?
Barb: Is that Kelly (from the Office?)
Barb: That was a foul. Flagrant foul.
Barb: How did what’s her name seem?
Dave; Bitchy.
Dave; Of course Paris needs a fake nose! That beak is recognizable anywhere!
(Barb has left)
Dave; How are they eliminating people already! Oh, so people are up for discussion and need to watch themselves. The people seem to know the rules.
Alex: But it doesn’t actually matter, because there are still challenges right?
Dave:No idea…
Dave; People speak in text message lingo!
Alex; “Holy Crap, Wayne Newton is hitting on mom!”
Dave; Seems like a reasonable system of gauging friends (petting a tiger). Not arbitrary at all.
Alex; Kaitlin is retarded. She petted the tail. Everyone knows cats don’t like having their tails touched.
Dave; She’s taking great stock in the tiger’s opinion!
Alex ;Well she had the Abe Lincoln thing, fell on the dance floor, and now the Tiger growl is just the deathly trifecta.
Dave: TTYM? What did that mean? Everyone seemed to understand.
Alex: DT..
Dave: You heard DT?
Alex: Yeah, DTYM. Don’t tell your mother, so says barb. I don’t think that’s it, but…
Alex: Yeah, Paris is taking the whole picture into account on this girl.
Dave: TTYN!
Alex: Talk-To.. I don’t know.
Dave; Apparently it’s some elimination code!
Alex: Talk to you never? Maybe?
Dave; I like how people just get thrown off. It’s like on The Wire when people just die .
Alex; Keeps you on your toes.
Dave; I love the outfits Paris wears.
Alex: I think the one with the high-pitch voice is the hottest one.
Dave: I got to be honest with you Sal, excited to see Kaitlin strip.
Alex; I want to know who Paris’s sidekick is.
(It’s every girls fantasy to work a pole)
Dave: Kaitlin is Saratoga hot, but maybe not Las Vegas stripper hot.
Dave; The guy is pole dancing? Don’t want to see that or the fat chick.
Dave: Kaitlin kept her bottoms on!
Alex; What a prude.
Dave; Stefanieis hot. God, I’m older than her.
Dave; I like Stephan. He seems pretty reasonable, except the fact that he is on this show. He knows a guy on the stripper pole is odd.
Dave; That equated a meaningful friendship with Paris to dancing with a pole…
Dave; Who are the guys watching this?
Alex: He has to dance! He doesn’t do it, he’s out.
Dave: Paris seems genuinely pissed.
Dave; Tinicia was the only one to effectively use the pole.
Dave: Nicole differentiates between a bikini dancer and a stripper…
Dave; Stephen is crying. I’ve lost all respect for him.
(Stephen is up for discussion)
Alex: That’s a no brainer. I guess at least 2 people can be put up for discussion.
Dave; I feel like the rules aren’t written in stone.
Alex; They didn’t even show Kaitlin for more than a second.
Alex; You put makeup on your boobs?
Dave; Not a lot of camera time for Kaitlin. I’m worried she might not make the cut.
Alex; She’s just flying below the radar.
Dave: I enjoy these sets. It’s like an MGM film from the 1940s. Cleopatra in Las Vegas. Big show production.
Dave; I wonder if Paris will reward Stephen’s resistance? Find it impressive.
Dave; It doesn’t seem like Paris is famous anymore. She needs to release another sex tape.
Dave: TTYN. That’s definitely it.
Alex; I don’t know why Ariel got kicked off. She didn’t do anything wrong.
Dave; Kaitlin gave her a hug. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that isn’t the last insincere gesture she makes.
Dave; So we still don’t know what TTYN means, right?
Alex; Nope.