(Editor's Note: There were no more than 14 people in the theater.)What ensued was a dark romp filled with lust, laughs and a leery lover jealous of the romantic intentions of a horny werewolf. Did any of that make sense? No. Well, you can only imagine my confusion while watching this runaway freight train of a movie.
ECLIPSE picks up after the crescendo of the previous film, with Bella (Kristen Stewart) set on becoming a vampire and Ed (Cedric Diggory) reluctantly promising to accede to her wishes. He doesn't want her to give up her soul, while she just wants to be with him forever. Ultimately, Ed acknowledges that he is being totally selfish by promising to change Bella, but he does draw a line at premarital sex.
The movie continues the abstinence only message it has been espousing since its onset, with only a few stolen kisses to tide over the horny teens. In this film Bella wants more than the soulful (or soul-less) connection she shares with Ed, as she now desires her pale pasty skin against hers. Alas, Edward wants to wait for marriage, in a throwback to his past. But don't be fooled by this grasp of the past, since it is really just a diversion away from the fact that Ed is as straight as that awkward pompadour he puts together every morning.
Here in lies the real tension of the movie. Bella isn't choosing between Jake (Taylor "Lats"autner) or Ed. Ed is debating between living the closeted lifestyle vampires in his world approve of (BELLA) or coming out and bumping uglies with Jake. I mean c'mon, he wasn't mad at Jake in the tent, he was jealous of Bella!!! All of this is a product of the conservative vampire culture, which at this point needs to exit the closet. Alice should announce her love of Bella and Jasper should go back to molesting the newborns.
This can't be just me, right?Anyway, the star of this movie is Charlie. Last time it was Jake's abs, but that has become a joke the movie even comments on as it breaks the fourth wall with some self-referential humor. So yeah, Charlie is awesome as the "Dad" in the movie. Before this film he was just the guy who paid rent, but now I really connected with him. His hatred for Ed matched my hatred and i almost teared up when he stood during Bella's graduation (Seriously. And can you believe her mom didn't make the trip. Bitch?).
He even had hilarious lines about how he liked Alice, but the best was when he discovered Bella was still a virgin and yielded a bit of like for Ed. In this vein of humor, though, I wish Larry Miller (the dad from 10 Things I hate About You) had been tapped for the part. "Bella, you can't date until Edward starts to age or Jacob can keep a shirt on for ten minutes."But anyway, I thought Bryce Dallas Howard was wasted in this movie. She would have been totally creepy as Dakota Fanning's part, especially since she already documented her hood wearing skills in THE VILLAGE. Also, where the frak was Michael Sheen??? Maybe he's not in this book, but just use him for the Oscar Buzz he brings every role.
For a movie that moved pretty fast it felt like nothing really happened. Bella finally addressed her feelings, which is that she wants to have her cake and eat some other guy's cake too. Jake pronounced his undying (and post-mortem) love. And Bella is destined to become a vampire.
There was some posturing by the bad vampire elites who seem like coniving bastards. For the most part nothing really happened. There were newborns, who embody the awfulness of the Terribly Twos, and required vampires and werewolves to team up.
Oh yeah, we got some really cheesy vampire back stories too. This reminded me that i love the dad vampire, if solely because of his role as the jock in CAN"T HARDLY WAIT.
I believe that is called unintentional comedy.
Anne Kendrick also gave us a kick ass graduation speech that made me yearn for a second attempt at my own. Hers also had some sort of tie in with the movie, but that went right over my head.
Ultimately this is a terrible movie. It had no redeeming qualities, except for the possible exception of vampires teaming up with werewolves in a touching bit of chemistry. If this was just some random movie it would be scoffed at, tweens would think Cedric Diggory was odd looking, concerned parents would buy Lautner some shirts and Dr. Drew would try to help out Kristen Stewart with all her damn anxiety.
(Editor's Note: Dave probably should have stopped here, but he felt it was necessary to draw the ire of the twilight nut cases. Oh no, now i've gone and insulted them. Curse the day he was born.)
Anyone who says this is a good movie, and i'm talking to you nutcases who saw this movie more than once or on opening weekend, you are completely delusional. This festering pile of crap appeals to so many people because it appeals to the lowest common denomination, which is code for the people who voted for Lee on AMERICAN IDOL. Yeah, a Crystal fan watches TRUE BLOOD, which is a vampire program that critics acknowlege as worthy of a time committment.
THe writing in Eclipse has the steady pitter patter of talented people banging their heads against a wall. The teen angst plays out with all the nuance of a two dollar hooker courting her next client. The story develops with the surprise that one has after catching an STD from the afformentioned hooker.
IT STINKSS!!! THIS WHOLE SERIES STINKSS!!!!
With all that being said, I totally understand why people get excited for these movie and turn out in droves with the wild devotion of Lee fans. I know where this comes from, as I'm a fan of the Harry Potter movies. And by fan, I mean, the movies suck but i love seeing them in theaters. Now i just want you crazy people to make the same admission.
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