Rebel Without a Workplace

(Editor's Note: A version of this column will appear in The Saratogian's online section The Scene. But you can read it here first, and with pictures! Or you can go on your way and find porn, but please let it be good porn. Don't waste your time with this or bad porn)
On multiple occasions recently I’ve experienced the issue of professionalism in the workplace. It was first broached by a Super Bowl commercial portraying proper casual Friday attire as underwear. The topic popped up again when I witnessed a member of the Assembly flicking things at another member during a public hearing. Personal relevancy came when I was verbally reprimanded at one of my jobs for failing to meet my employer’s standards of professionalism.
The incident stemmed from a disconnect in expectations about how to represent that organization. In this instance my work habits were on display for the public, which understandably mandates certain etiquette.
Behind closed doors, though, the standards can relax. It may be as simple as loosening a tie or as radical as using ties for sexy office bondage. That’s why I think a business should operate like a sausage factory. Not filled with male employees, but hidden from the public’s prying eyes.
Obviously a work environment needs to maintain some modicum of respectability so it doesn’t devolve into a frat house or John Edwards’s campaign headquarters. This still allows for a sharp contrast in the perceived exterior compared to the actual interior, so that you can embrace an atmosphere that provides some level of comfort and lets people function at their maximum capacity.
This got me thinking about the conditions that would foster my peak productivity and I came up with something that resembles Mad Men + question time in parliament - military regulations x Jim Halpert’s work ethic. There would be good-natured jocularity, flexible hours, formal attire, free-flowing libations, romantic trysts and a company softball team.
In theory this dynamic would free me from the societal shackles that I speciously believe are holding me back. In actuality it wouldn’t be long before I pushed beyond the limits of this almost limitless workplace.
Why wouldn’t I just leave well enough alone? Because if you give me an inch I’ll say ‘screw it’ and switch to the metric system.
This doesn’t stem from any desire to rebel, as I’m not a youth in revolt or super bad. My motives are much simpler, since I’m just a wannabe adult in a state of arrested development. It’s because of this that I see uncharted territory, when in actuality I’m just gazing at issues and scenarios I simply haven’t explored yet. They have been broached by my predecessors, who know where the landmines are and how to avoid them.
So until I develop my own institutional memory I need to tread carefully. I may not be able to quantify office professionalism uniformly, but I know that for me it means demonstrating self-restraint and recognizing that there are real stakes. Part of this cautious attitude means abandoning the idea that I’m just a kid pretending to be an adult, and accept that I am an adult. Because while I may not be living in the real world, since I’m trapped in purgatory while I live at home, I am working in the real world.