TOP CHEF: The primaries

TOP CHEF is back in its seventh installment, and this season the action is in Washington D.C. Personally, cooking shows are all about the locale for me, as they're akin to the REAL WORLD or JERSEY SHORE. Oh wait, i don't give a flying fart where the show is, as long as there are good competitors and good challenges.
Unfortunately, the former appears to be lacking in this season, which feels more like Hell's Kitchen. HELL'S KITCHEN fills its ranks with cocky cooks who Gordon can tear to bits when they inevitably fail to cook his risotto. Things aren't quite that bad, but the talent level does appear much weaker this season than in the past. Additionally, the personalities are lacking. After one episode there was no one i could root for emotionally, only some obvious favorites in the talent department.

The one substantive change is the inclusion of French Eric as a permanent judge. He offers biting criticism that may not have the creativity of the British bald guy (i'm thinking Toby?), but he is poignant and pulls no punches. His best attribute is the way he stares at contestants like they're talking gibberish and he hates them.
I would break the show down further, but with a million contestants it is tough to make sense of it all. So here are some of my discombobulated thoughts.

-Stephen Hopcraft (40) originally bothered me with his "leaving my family behind" drama. C'mon buddy, you're happy to be out of the house. The only positive sign was how excited he got about everything, including box dice he made.
-Tracey Bloom (34) is the first HELL'S KITCHEN type candidate. She's obese, which Gordon loves to pick on, and she's overly confident, which Gordon loves to destroy. She's extremely annoying and has no redeeming qualities. This may be one of the situations where her head should be slammed in a GE MONOGRAM oven.
-Kenny Gilbert (36) is one of the two favorites. He is also one of the many black people that makes up this diverse crowd for TOP CHEF and the BRAVO network in general. Someone made note of the fact that no black person has won, and i think Kenny could be that guy. He's a good chef with his eyes on the prize, as evidenced by his well reasoned plans for victory, but he's not charismatic or appealing in anyway. Hopefully he'll grow on me, though, because he's my candidate in my TOP CHEF pool. At the very least he could be a good villain in the vein of Michael V from last season.
-Alex Reznik (33) is someone i really want to like, as he's exotic looking and semi-foreignerish. The problem is he doesn'thave an accent, which is lame, but he is redeemed by an erratic personality.
-Kelly Liken (33) is the Amy Ryan lookalike on the show. Honestly, the comparison is uncanny. She's supposed to provide some of the sex appeal for the show. Currently i'm not feeling her, but as the season goes along i'll start to talk myself into her on the basis that she looks good by comparison.
-Speaking of people I need to talk myself into, I'm a little worried about the new voluptuous Padma. She obviously hasn't lost any of the weight from her kid, and as a result i've been rationalizing my attraction to her on the basis that she's just curvy.
-Speaking of heavy judges, Gail Collins better be pregnant or else she better go the gym and stop eating. My friend Bill doesn't completely agree with this assessment, as he feels her boobs have been downsized since last season. I can't comment, since i've been mostly focused on her stomach that's trying to escape her dress. But she was described as “luscious” on the show, and I can’t decide if it was meant to be ironic or a slap in the face.
-Rooftops don't work for Tom because the sun glares off his dome. He should live below the surface of the earth with the mole people.
-One lady who isn’t getting it done is Lynne Gigliotti (51), this year’s Robin if she can last as long. Robin was the old crazy lady, and Lynne is the boring crazy lady. She’s already said she’s not “flashy,” which is code for not talented or creative. Plus, she’s an instructor, which suggests any talent she had has been drained from her and she’s resigned to teaching people even worse than her. She’s another perfect candidate for HELL’S KITCHEN, to the point where I remember an instructor just like her.
-Glad to see Team Rainbow lives on with Arnold Myint (33), whether he knows it or not. From the first time he promoted his scarf to his referencing of his motivational staff dance I realized that he’s just on the show to be a character. THIS IS A DEVELOPMENT I HATE!!!
-Speaking of things I hate, Michael I from last season. That cocky bastard was so annoying, and he’s back in a fatter package in the form of Kevin Sbraga (31). They both share a strong Jersey vibe and some Italian heritage.
-Love Ed Cotton’s (32) inferiority complex. What’s even better is that he dated this year’s hottie…
-…Angelo Sosa (35). This guy is a babe in the vein of Fabio crossed with Michael V. His use of hair gel is definitely a good sign, and the fact he won the first quickfire and elimination challenge. Was a little bummed out that he’s not a foreigner, but I was happy that he looks exactly like Assemblyman Molinaro. He went down a few pegs in my book with his “heh heh heh, I win,” comment. And even though I like his baseball roots, I find it impossible to root for this title contender.
-Unfortunately my distant relative, Jaqueline Lombard (33. This number keeps popping up) doesn’t seem to strong. She is “self-taught” and relies on recipes for things she has made hundreds of times. This is pathetic and doesn’t bode well for her future.
-On the fence about Timothy Dean (40), who has the strong sausage root from his illegitimate grandfather Jimmy, but he seems superduper over confident.
-John Somerville (42) not only looked like the organic vegan guy, he probably smelled like him too. He ended up being a little more grounded in reality than I originally anticipated, but it made sense that he was leaving. He was more of a HELL’S KITCHEN kind of guy with his fringe personality and gimmick flavors.
-The real strength lies in Amanda Baumgarten (27), who is the sneaky hot competitor, also known as this season’s Leah!
Not sure who will give in to her feminine wilds, but she is smoking hot and has some personality too. Hopefully she’ll get to flaunt both of these in her brief time on the show.
Finally, I’m glad the quickfire wasn’t elimination. It always felt too arbitrary and even though I didn’t really learn anything from it, I feel like it demonstrated how weak this group might be. The problem is that it’s impossible to break the group down this early, as people can skate by early on. My overally impression was that Kenny, Alex, Angelo and Kevin were the strongest chefs, but I could be forgetting one of the women.
What did you think????? Love the new setting? How do you like this cast? What are you hoping for???

The Robbery: TOP CHEF style

So I hope you're getting excited for TOP CHEF, because I am. As always, though, the show leaves some of the best footage on the cutting room floor. In this clip we learn that two of the chefs dated the same girl. What makes this amazing is how much hotter the one guy is than the other, and how no one believes they both had the same girl.



Stay tuned for my full recap of the first episode and preview of the seventh season!!

Top Ten shows of 2009

The problem with ranking the best television shows of 2009 stems from the fact that the season of a show extends over two years. So do you judge a show based on when it started, when it finished, or how it performed during the year?
I am judging shows based on when they finished. This affects shows like Glee and Parks and Recreation, which will make the cut in 2010, but not this year. It’s the only fair way to judge a show’s complete arc, and not what it did during a brief period.
Hopefully this list will be inclusive enough for people, sine I watch almost everything. So here it is, in reverse order.
RIP: King of the Hill
• So this show isn’t making the Top Ten, but it does need to be recognized since it went off the air in 2009. HILL was maybe one of the best family sitcoms of all time. Following the life of the Hill family, this show had warmth and laughs.
Since it was a cartoon it was generally overlooked in terms of the quality of the writing and it was also ignored as a rip off of The Simpsons. These two realities will forever bother me.
HILL was never short on creative storylines, as the show did the best job finding the real humor in life. It didn’t rely solely on screwball characters or wacky plots, but was grounded in a reality we could all relate to. I tell you what, I will miss this show. Yup.
10. Chuck
• Odds are you’ve never seen or heard of Chuck, the little action/comedy that narrowly avoided execution after last year’s stellar season. The show revolves around an employee at a big box store called the BUY MORE, who has highly classified data stored in his head. This character, as portrayed by Zachary Levi, is one of the more endearing heroes on television. He is endearing because he is the everyman hero, and this allows us to be swept away on his adventures.

It helps that he has a wicked hot lady friend (Yvonne Strahovski) and a gruff protector (Adam Baldwin), who add laughs, sex appeal and a surprisingly high level of action scenes for a television show.
What ultimately ends up distinguishing this show from its competitors (I guess BURN NOTICE), is the supporting cast of characters that work at the BUY MORE. These guys and girls make the show a legit comedy, so when the action isn’t really working, the laughs are still coming.
Highlight: The penultimate episode includes a wedding in which everything goes wrong, but is just so right for the viewer.
9. Top Chef
• By any standard, this season of TOP CHEF was captivating television. Not much more to say about the show in the wake of my running diaries, which encapsulate the way I feel about this show.
This season had the right balance of talent, personalities and challenges that I doubt they’ll be able to recreate this winning recipe ever again.
8. Psych
• If you ever just feel like having fun, but don’t want to leave your couch, then I’d recommend an episode of PSYCH. Although, in order to appreciate the show you need to have a fondness for obscure pop culture references and must not take your television too seriously.
The duo of Sean and Gus (James Roday and Dule Hill) do not represent anything truly unique on television. They owe Scrubs, Sherlock Holmes, House and Miami Vice (they’d want me to include that) for where they are today. That being said, these two buddies are the kind of guys you want to hang out with, and once a week you get to do that for an hour.
I think you’re able to have fun watching this show because of how much fun the cast is having making the show, as illustrated by the encore performances during the end credits, which usually include group songs.
Sure the mysteries are lacking and the action doesn’t compare to BURN NOTICE, but this is a comedy first and foremost. If you’re looking for anything else you’re just going to get psyched out. If you want to laugh, then get psyched for Psych
7. 30 Rock
• Not really sure what happened in season 3 of 30 Rock. I do know I laughed. That balance is why this show isn’t higher up on my charts. This was the funniest show on television, but without direction. I’m not saying that’s bad, I’m just saying that’s a deal breaker for a higher ranking.
Anyway, if you’ve never seen 30 Rock you’re doing yourself a disservice. It’s got a little bit of everything in terms of comedic styling. There is gross out humor of the lowest degree. There are high brow jokes (which people cite as the reason for not watching). Obscure references. Strange twists. And just jokes. All of this is jam packed into a 22-minute show so tightly that you’re amazed your television didn’t catch on fire when you’re done.
If you’re looking for funny, just head to 30 Rockefeller Plaza or catch it Thursday on NBC.
6. True Blood
• If loving True Blood is wrong, then I don’t want to be right. The second season of True Blood would qualify as one of the craziest things ever on television. Its craziness was not off putting at all though, and instead drew me deeper and deeper into this make believe world.
Missing from this season was any semblance of reality, but it didn’t detract from the show.
The appeal of the show is it beauty and creativity. The world we see is presented to us in such a fashion that you struggle to take it all in. I’d say it is reminiscent of Deadwood or Mad Men in terms of the settings acting as additional players in a scene.
As far as the creativity, True Blood keeps you on your toes while sending you on a wild roller coaster ride. It’s scary. It’s fun. It’s got twists and turns. There are ups and downs. It is a ride.
Highlight: Jason and Andy taking matters into their own hands, as they prove that dumb is not just funny, but downright hilarious.
5. Battlestar Galactica
• The final installment of an amazing television series offered a worthy payout last spring. Much like True Blood, Battlestar was a wild ride. But more than True Blood, Battlestar offered deeper meanings.
By itself this season isn’t any more remarkable than earlier ones, in fact it might be comparatively weak. As the capstone to an amazing story it deserves to be recognized. In terms of a compelling narrative this is it. This story is delivered with an understated bang.
What is most memorable from this season is the shifting of allegiances, with the line between good and evil blurring to the point where the bad guys from the beginning of the series are revered as good guys.
4. Mad Men
• What’s so impressive about Mad Men is how close it comes to being unwatchable. The show is always in danger of putting me to sleep, and it would if it wasn’t executed so perfectly. Frankly, I’m not smart enough to adequately assess this show. I can only talk about it in terms of its entertainment value and the few concepts I was able to glean from it.
Many people wrote off the finale as an all too convenient ending, but I found it to be a perfect transition into the tumultuous part of the 60s.
As for entertainment, this season offered some heartbreaking moments (the firing of Sal), touching moments (the mood in the aftermath of JFK’s assassination) and light moments (Roger Sterling).
Season three began with a slow crescendo that was so faint and took so long to build that the ultimate payoff was out of this world. The patience of the show’s writers is admirable in this regard, even more so considering how there are no wasted moments building to the big payoff.
3. The Office
• Season 5 of The Office was the total package. It was endearing. It was funny. It was real. The show took from the best of its earlier seasons and brought it all together for the best season since its second. The fall off in season 6 has been even more evident in wake of such a good season.
In this season every character is used to perfection, with a place for everyone and everyone in their place. Andy hits his stride. The Jim and Pam dynamic is cemented. Even Michael, who has been a relatively fluid character, becomes a formed and constant role.
The deciding factor for me, is the story arc of Holly in this season. As played by Amy Ryan, there is an injection of heart into the show that I think is necessary for The Office to be great.
2. The Colbert Report
• Jon Stewart brought the Daily Show to prominence in 2000 during the recount in Florida following the presidential election. By 2004 the show was really hitting its stride and operated on all cylinders of funny. The 2008 election and the coverage of 2009 belonged to Stephen Colbert. Colbert offered a fresh perspective from the Daily Show, and with a few years under his belt, surpassed its creator in terms of funny during 2009.
Stephen Colbert’s year included a trip to Iraq, sponsoring a winter Olympic team and got a NASA treadmill named after him. It was all so ridiculous, but strikingly poignant in its coverage of the news. This last aspect is what sets the REPORT apart from the Daily Show, in that it doesn’t need to preach to make a point. Plus, it doesn’t sacrifice funny to preach.
1. Lost
• Lost will always win me over with the show’s mythology. Each episode could be a festering turd and I would still revere them, if they gave me a few answers each week. But Lost has never rested on its mythology, and has always given us our week to week bang. That combination puts it in my top ten automatically.
What differentiates this season from previous seasons is the scope of what they tried to pull off, and the fact that the show basically accomplishes it all with a homerun. What am I talking about? I’m talking about a storyline that crosses space and time. A story that requires on a giant ensemble cast. I’m talking about mythical creatures, ghost monsters and an island that moves. All of this is put together in a package that remains at its core, a human drama. A drama that inspired tears (spoiler alert: Juliet’s demise) and laughs (Hugo with anyone).
Season 5 had to wrap up most of the questions from seasons one through four while also poise us for the big finale in season 6. It does it. The story moves with a sense of urgency, but you never feel rushed. Even in the shortened load of episodes every story, ever character, every line of dialogue is given enough time to be appreciated.
Lost has constantly reinvented itself during its tenure, yet in season five we see a culmination of the different faces. This is our payoff before LOST reveals its true form in its final season.
The highlights are too numerous to limit, so I’ll just ramble them off: a domesticated Sawyer, Ben’s comedic styling, (spoiler alert) Daniel’s tragic end and the denied reunion between Sun and Jin.

So that’s my list of shows for 2009. I hope there’s something to talk about in there.

Top Chef Tonight

On Thursday's episode of THE TONIGHT SHOW with CONAN O'BRIEN the second guest was this season's TOP CHEF winner, Michael V. This just seems like a terrible idea to me, except form the standpoint that BRAVO and NBC are sister companies.
It's a bad idea because of Mike's personality, which is uber-serious. He takes himself serious. He takes his profession serious. He auditioned for a role in the Cohen brothers, A SERIOUS MAN.
Normally I'd say that Conan could just mock the way Mike carries himself, like he does of show producer Jordan. THe difference is that Jordan has no interest in being the star, which is completely contrary to Mike. I knew coming in that Mike would try to be funny, or worse, take the experience super serious.
Bryan on the other hand would have been perfect fodder for Conan. His droll demeanor would have been a perfect foil for Conan, especially since he seems to be able to take a joke. This is in sharp contrast to Mike, who I could see walking off the set.
The most striking thing about Mike's appearance was how short he was compared to Conan. I had no idea that he was this short. That means Kevin is really about 5 foot 3 and Eli fits comfortable in most oversized luggage.
The performance wasn't as terrible as it could have been, with Mike scoring, in my book at least, with a joke about premature ejaculation. I do need to give him credit for not being himself and only making the experience somewhat uncomfortable.

Gladware Champion

It all comes down to tonight’s final challenge between the three finalists on TOP Chef. I’m rooting hard for Bryan, who I picked to win after the first episode. I won’t be devastated if he loses, but I’ll be heartbroken if I have to watch him lose to his brother and experience that shame.
Without further delay let’s get on with the show…
• There were “a lot of bad ass cooks,” Eli. I think this season will stand out, at least in my mind, as the one with the deepest cast of contestants. There were five potential winners, and a whole host of other qualified candidates that could throw their weight around with the big dogs. Although my comparison is only based on watching two seasons of Top Chef, so I might not be the authority on this issue.
• I like the challenge of the first course, where all three chefs have the same ingredients. This gives Michael a chance to backup his claim that Kevin’s food is too simple, since he can really outshine him here. Or it could blow up in his face, if Kevin is able to deliver better flavor with the same ingredients. Bryan will just be Bryan. Speaking of which, I think his brother has a higher ceiling, but Bryan remains at a high level of excellence and avoids the valleys.
• Love Michael trying to come up with something nice to say about his helper. I wonder how many takes it took him before he finally arrived at his backhanded compliment. Bryan, on the other hand, basically drooled about working with Jen. Kevin got a wild card, and I’m interested in seeing how Preeti (that might be right) works out. The distribution this way is not fair. I don’t think it necessarily proves who is the Top Chef.
• In the second round of knife drawing Kevin got hosed again and Bryan picked up another winner. Ash is a good follower, which is ok for Kevin, but Bryan got someone super creative in Ashely. (Did I mention my crush on Ashley?). As for Eli going to Mike, I think he’s just happy he didn’t get Robin. Eli is good, but it doesn’t really matter since Mike is going to be so hand’s on. I can’t imagine him delegating too much authority.
• Kevin says he’s getting mad, and I’m worried how that will manifest itself. We could have our first Top Chef murder.
• Love the fact that the chefs expect a curveball. And they get one, in that they get a curveball by not getting a cuveball. Did that make sense? I have trouble with baseball analogies. Knuckleball?
• Mrs. V has some wild eyes! Curveball! Kevin’s mom is obviously Kevin’s mom. Although I wouldn’t have been surprised if she had a beard too. Fastball!
• I feel like some of the Top Chef contestants would make for good television personalities with their own cooking shows. Southern home cooking with Kevin. Creative creations with Mike.
• Here comes a curveball with Tom! Oh, and he hung the ball over the plate with a challenge that isn’t really too hard. Can’t tell if Mike is being genuine about his childhood memories, but if he is then he is winning points in my book. Almost explains why he has this tough outer shell. What an aww moment, and with the most unlikely person.
• I need to give props to Mike again, this time regarding how well thought out his dishes are. This guy is playing to win, and is demonstrating a real strategy.
• Kevin sounds like he planned his dessert with Jim Gaffigan in mind. If you don’t know, that’s a reference to their shared love of bacon. If he really wanted to please Jim he’s make a hot pocket with bacon in it
• Bryan wins. That’s it. Kevin didn’t blow them away with any ideas or execution. Mike’s performance was marred by the low lows. I think Bryan will win.
• “I was the underdog that showed if you fight really hard you can make it, and it just didn’t go all the way.” Love the sentiment Kevin, even if it contradicts itself.
• Damn! I just paused it as Padma said Michael. He won. They’re trying to throw us another one of those curveballs, except we know it is coming. I hope I’m wrong. But I’m not.
• There it is. BOOOOOOOO. BOOOOOOOOOOO. (Ok, he deserved it)
• Wow, this is actually touching. The mom hugging the two boys. The music. Gail. Oh sweet Gail. Tobey even looks choked up. Love that Mike gives a shout out to Padma about emotion. Anyone who thinks they weren’t banging is fooling themselves.
•
So it says that some eliminations were discussed with Bravo. Going to say that the week Mike bombed, producers refused to let him be eliminated. Makes sense if you consider the whole body of his work.
• “I’m happy and sad.” Classic Mike.
• I’ll have final thoughts next week when they recap it with the cast.
• What did you think????

Almost to the top chef

What’s more exciting than the Final Four in college basketball? Well for starters all the earlier rounds, but in the final four context I’m thinking the final four of TOP CHEF!!! We’ve got Michael V, Bryan V, Jen and Kevin competing for $100,000 dollars, a spot at the Food & Wine Expo, a one night stand with Tom or Padma, some Tupperware, E-List Celebrity status and the title of Top Chef. Woo.
It’s been a long season, but things seemed to shake out the way they should. The chefs that remain are the best of the bunch and possess enough personality for an entertaining episode. I expect to see Jen flame out and Kevin to hit his ceiling in this first part of the finale. Ultimately we’ll be left with a brothers head to head matchup. Let’s see if I’m right.
• Strange hug between Michael and Jen. They obviously have developed some sort of relationship. I guess we saw hints of hit developing throughout the year, but for the most part it’s kind of a surprise. I could understand mutual admiration, although it’s hard to imagine Michael respecting anyone besides himself. She seems to get him, though, and I think Mike is intrigued by anyone who calls him out on his personality, as she does at the train stop. All of this just proves my point that we need more coverage of the chefs outside the kitchen, and I don’t mean more remotes on trains.
• People support Kevin’s beard? I support the French guy’s red thing. Better yet, I support V brother hair care products. How was there never a glamour shot of their Calvin Klein hair gel?
• Bryan’s subtle shot at his brother, regarding the possibility he might push him in front of the train was a joke grounded completely in reality. Mike is a shameless whore who will do anything to win. I’m sure they love each other, but I doubt they like each other. How could they? They’re such polar opposites.
• Padma is a pregnant mom. But the better question is which V brother knocked her up?
• Wow, Mike actually respects another chef. I’m confused. Maybe he’s confusing hatred for admiration.
• I can just imagine Mike rocking out with his leather jacket in his prius. I don’t imagine he knocked Padma up in a car like that. I wish he would trash it. I wish people would trash the GE products during the show. “Why doesn’t this oven cook properly?!?!” Then cut to the GE logo.
• Blue grapes? Aren’t those blueberries?
• I think Fabio would have chopped off his hand on the train.
• Bryan is getting pissed off. Love the idea that he might rock the boat a little and get mean. Although, his brother has commented on the fact that if Bryan gets angry he might get off his game. I’m ok with him focusing his rage on angry sex with Padma, but otherwise he needs to be careful.
• Speaking of grapes, where was Alton Brown for this challenge? He’s the only person I’ve ever seen promote grapes besides a ten year old kid drinking a glass of juice. Those commercials with Alton are a little creepy, because they feel like a warped version of his television show.
• “Screw him [Michael]” Well put Jen. I think at this point everyone is waiting for egg in Michael’s face. He had it a bit with the cooking Olympics episode when his dish was trashed. For the most part, though, he’s been flying high. Maybe a little too high? America wants to see you coming crashing down. We demand satisfaction.
• Good timing on the grape commercial Alton. Better use of a commercial was the Samsung phone Jen watches a video on. Please tell me a producer made them do that. It was either send a video or make a call trapped in a well to demonstrate the range of their coverage.
• Is Padma reading from cue cards? Does Bryan ever blink? These questions need to be answered.
• “Is that going to lead to sabotage?” Love another veiled joke from Bryan. He actually seems a little insecure.
• Kevin is serving ribs that aren’t tender? I hate when people try to do something that they don’t have time. He’s gone. Sure he may think it’s delicious, but eh.
• So Michael’s dish is executed exactly how he wanted. That’s scary for the competitors.
• Food served in Styrofoam or on plastic plates don’t make for great money shots.
• Are there ever any black people on Top Chef? I only bring this up because the entire crowd at this events seems to be white, all the contestants are white and the judges are white. The lack of minorities is kind of astounding, especially since we had two white guys this season cooking up the soul food. Do black people not watch the show or apply to be on it? I’ve watched for two years now, and the diversity seems to revolve solely around sexuality. I feel like this might just reflect the realities of kitchens in America.
• The set up for judges table was great. The judges appear ready to attack and the chefs are armed to defend themselves. Honestly, Padma looks ready to poop herself or jump across the table. Maybe both. Although I hate when she gets all contemplative and tries to critique the food. She needs to stick with “there was bone in mine” or simply just eye-bang a V brother.
• Bye Kevin and Jen. This feels a little staged, but I think that’s how it will shake out. Although, I’m not sure two people are going home. I just sort of want to see heads up competition. I’d also like Robyn to come back for the final episode. Even if she’s just a guest commentator, it would be worth it to hear her running description.
• So three people are coming. Not sure when and why I decided two people were going. Well Mike will be the winner and Kevin is going home. Not 100% sure on Kevin, in fact I like the idea of him making it to the finals just to antagonize Mike. Bye Jen. Final guess.
• Wow, Bryan won. Didn’t see that coming since the judge said the winner was perfectly seasoned, and early on they commented on how his needed salt. Oh well, suck it Mike. By the way, Bryan’s expression doesn’t change whether he wins or loses. “I am so happy.” Yeah? Then why does it look like you’re a robot who has only heard of emotions like happy and sad?
• So Jen is gone. I miss her already. The finale will be worse without her, at least in my opinion. Also, that means Bill’s horse in this race is out. Woo and a hoo. See you for the final episode.

Bye Bye Eli (Sung to Bye Bye Birdie)

Oh Robin, you’re gone. You weren’t a bad chef, just comically out of your league towards the end. Do I think you should come back as a Top Chef announcer, of course I do. You ramble like one of Sarah Palin’s best speeches and that should never be forgotten. Without further ado, let’s jump right in. I think Jen was about to self-destruct, Kevin was using secret ingredients he hides in his beard and Mike V was swearing at someone while Bryan V broke into his state of zen…
• Kevin is married??? I bet they’re one of those couples that look the same! That would be awesome. Either that or she’s a smoking hot babe. According to one of my friend’s he is “cute,” so I guess it’s not beyond the realm of possibilities that he snagged a babe. Plus who knows what he’s packing … in the kitchen, as far as sausage goes. I meant links or patties by the way.
• Not encouraged by Jen’s attitude. “Hopefully I can pull it out.” Does that sound like a winner? Jen was at her best when she had her swagger. She was like Larry Bird, just dumping on her opponents and then backing it up. I miss that Jen. I miss Larry Bird too.
• I thought the most serious cooking challenge was Iron Chef? I mean going up against Bobby Flay or Cat Cora, c’mon.

• They’re going to make a TurDucEn. John Madden just wet himself somewhere. Michael V just rejects the premise of this challenge. I love it. Padma is wet too … from the water… she spilled. Speaking of which, this guest is pretty hot, albeit Kevin or Eli’s height (they are hobits).
• Padma said “welcome back” to Jen! That just blew my mind on so many levels. The first, because it acknowledges that Jen really might be returning to her old form. More importantly, it shows that Padma really has some awareness of what’s going on. She’s not just a pretty face, but an important of the show, who is also smoking hot.
• I was a little put off by Bryan putting Kevin down, but he saved himself by acknowledging he does it well. Phew. Hated the idea that I couldn’t root for him for a second.
• Love love love that Michael V got called out for not doing the challenge. This guest judge is going to be great. All the judges are on their game. I bet Tom even polished his head for tonight’s episode.
• Wow, Padma towers over the iron chef judge.
• Mirror platter? I’ve been told that the only thing that’s good for is doing blow. I’d argue that you could also mount it in your bedroom.
• Al l the male contestants have product in their hair. I never really noticed that. Even Kevin has something propping up his hair.
• I’m becoming famished watching Top Chef. Hoping I can quell my hunger by chewing gum.
• Kevin asked for help? What does he think this is? He sounds like Robin. It’s a good thing Michael V is sleeping, because he would have verbally berated him for seeking advice. In all seriousness, though, it does shake my confidence that Kevin will be in the top three. I’m glad Bryan worked with Kevin, because it gives me more of a reason to root for him. He is self-aware, as he acknowledges that to not help, especially when the other person knows he could, would be the move of a “prick” or his brother. I may have added the last part, but Bryan definitely danced around that reality. It’s amazing how different their values are and how far off their moral compasses are. Michael is a prick.
•
This is a very tense kitchen. They need Nick Swisher to come in and liven things up. Maybe give Jen a pie in the face (Only Yankee fans will understand this).
• I’m glad that Michael V didn’t pass up a chance to take a shot at Kevin. Would have been disappointed if he didn’t stay true to form.
• Tom and Jen have real chemistry. I’m smelling a spin off. In all honesty, it’s nice to see Jen confident enough to take time to talk to him. A little reassuring. Not a home run, but solid contact. Yup, more baseball metaphors.
• The bald guest judge obviously doubles as an evil villain and Tom’s body double. Sidenote: Super glad to see Gail back. Nigella didn’t compare to her.
• Based solely on presentation I’m blown away by Michael’s dish. It looks too good to eat and based on the reaction of the judges I don’t think anyone should have eaten it. He will definitely be vulnerable at judge’s table. I’m not worried. More excited to see him on the defensive.
• Apparently Bryan is coachable, which makes him better than Allen Iverson (that’s a basketball reference). Even though he screwed up the execution of his dish, it seems to be well received. And there’s the additional bonus of Tom picking up Bryan for his pickup basketball team against the Food Network stars (I assume that’s why he asked about the coachability factor).
• Eli is getting slammed. Good bye little man. The interesting part of this is that Padma became his defender. Really impressed by her balls to jump in there with the big fish. New respect for her based on this episode.
• Jen is safe. She’s going to coast by based on the poor performances of Eli and Michael V.
• They have to clean the kitchen???? Oh my god. This is blowing my mind. Learning this reinforces my belief that there is a ton of footage on Top Chef that needs to be aired. They need at least one episode a week of additional footage. Maybe split up the episode or just air an episode based on non cooking footage. I would watch and if you’re reading this, you would too.
• If I won the competition Bravo has to bring someone and a friend to the food and wine expo I would choose my friend Bill. Bill is not one of my closest friends, but he makes the cut for three reasons. First of all, he watches the show and would get a kick out of it. Second, I feel like he would be a good wild card on a trip like this and since we’re pretty different he would show me something new (totally not in a gay way). Third, I think he deserves a shot at Jen if she was there. He picked her as his choice to win after the premiere, which is nice, but I honestly think he would take a legitimate run at her. Obviously I would have to settle for Padma.
• Thinking about last season I’m struck by two big things. Primarily the fact that this top five is better than last year’s top five. Following that point is how much better Jen is than Leah was. Leah made it way too far last season and was most likely kept around for her storyline with Hosea or because she was the only girl. But regarding the first point, Hosea, Bald Spanish Guy, Fabio, Leah and Jeff are pound for pound weaker than this year’s cast. Hosea was boring, and just did Spanish fish. Bald Spanish Guy, the German, (what was his name!), was technically sound and creative, but he wasn’t better than either of the V brothers. Jeff probably had the most potential of that bunch, but he couldn’t juggle all the balls at once. He was a poor man’s version of Michael V, with Jen’s attitude and looks. I miss Jeff. Heck, I miss all of last year’s cast. That really shows why this is such a good show. The contestants are competent and compelling.
INSERT: I fORGOT ABOUT CARLA! How could i forget the chef that couldn't cook. She was the zen version of Robin. Long story short she sucked. Funny story, my roommate Casey picked her to go the distance she was always being highlighted in the advertisements. Good reasoning, even if i mocked him then.
• This guest judge for the challenge definitely ate a small child as dessert before judge’s table.
Regardless of what he is saying, his tone and demeanor remind me of the villain from the Temple of Doom. The opposite could be said of Tom, who was almost the impetus for a tear jerker moment when he said he was proud of this crew.
• I thought Bryan was going to win, but based on judge’s table I don’t know what will happen. Obviously it’s rigged that way to add tension, yet I’m really at a loss as to who wins. I do think that Eli is going home. His dish was neither cooked properly nor really creative. That being said, I don’t think Michael will win because his dish just wasn’t that good. Bryan failed to execute. Kevin wasn’t creative enough. That leaves Jen. Wow, never thought I would predict Jen to win again, but that’s my prediction. She’ll sneak into victory, which doesn’t really make sense since these are tough judges.
• Still thinking about the judges. I think they’ll reward a good idea that wasn’t executed properly. Going back to Bryan. Bryan is my choice. I’m doing this because the winner gets to compete in iron chef, so they’ll want someone who showed some promise. Bryan is my choice and who I’m rooting for. Still planning on saying goodbye to Eli.
• Wow, it was Kevin. Not a bad choice, although he did demonstrate that there is a ceiling when it comes to his ability. I guess in this instance they were with good execution. Should have seen this coming, since early in the episode Bryan commented on the fact that while Kevin’s food may be simple, he does it well.
• Kevin is definitely fan favorite. He’s got it locked up.
• Stefan! That was the German.
• It’s a good thing Eli lasted longer than Robin, or he would have killed her.
• So now they should get drunk, which would make perfect material for my idea of an additional episode!
• Not too excited about Jen’s upcoming hairdo, or Padma’s for that matter. Thank god style gurus Kevin and Tom will be around.
•

Top Chef: Stripping off the fat

So Mike Isabella is gone and Robin is still around to lay one more stinker of a performance. I’m not bothered by this development, as Mike I never could have won and at least Robin guarantees some comedic gold. My only hope for this episode is that Jen doesn’t continue her supernova routine and Bryan makes it to the next round.
• I love that Bryan misses his family, but the lead is worrying me. Will he not want to win? Is the fire dying out? I doubt it. Sort of blowing my mind that Mike V has a nephew, let alone his own kid. Think he swears at him?
• I’ve always been an advocate of airing additional footage as its own show and I’ve never been a fiercer advocate of this idea than when I think about Nigella and Padma in bed.
Literally, we wouldn’t need sound or any sort of story, just a security cam as they walk around in the room. That seems watchable right? In more practical terms, though, this show might help us understand some of the tension that seems unwarranted on the show, specifically surrounding Mike V and Robin. Obviously he’s been a dick to her, but she seems unusually perturbed with him and I want to know why! GIVE US MORE FOOTAGE!! Maybe the ladies can get an episode where the V brothers are in bathrobes.
• Will no one make waffles? Or how about a sausage with a pancake wrapped around it on a stick? That is what makes the best chef. I think I would have done breakfast buffet.
• And a meaningless quickfire win for Eli. It’s hilarious watching him try to get excited about his quickfire prize, which is making it into a cookbook. Nay, the quickfire cookbook. I think he would have rather won a cookbook, since that has actual value.
• Where is the legalized prostitution challenge? I’m making crab legs. Get it?
• Better yet we could do a gambling theme? Undercook meat as a way to bet your life. Eh?
• Would love to hang out with Jen. Not just because she’s hot, but because she’s funny. She has a viscous wit, which I’m actually afraid of her. She might turn on me. Her and Eli would probably make me cry.
• Speaking of Eli, he is worrying way too much about the theme of his dish. It doesn’t matter! Robin will say she had cancer and Bryan V will spew something that doesn’t make sense, regardless of the supposed themes. Just cook something creative and good. Don’t let it get in your head Eli.
• GE MONOGRAM. (Just throwing that at you the way the show does)
• Chicken wing is a New York staple? Maybe a buffalo wing is New York. The apple is the only distinctive food from New York.
• Robin sabotaging her food is simply a nickname for her cooking. Because she can’t help but produce crap.
• Is no one going to do the Hotel buffet? Isn’t that a big deal in Vegas? On the plus side it would make it easy to feed 175 people. A big vat of pasta. Big thing of potatoes. A meat. Some Blue (always a weird one). You’re done.
• Mike V is betting that he doesn’t have to serve everyone at once. Why does he think that? He could get overrun.
• So Robin has no confidence in her dish, but likes the theme of it. Huh? Still a cooking show, right?
• Is it too soon for me to gloat about Bryan V winning this challenge? All signs point to my boy not just coasting through, but making it to the next round with authority.
• So Eli has left the middle with a big swing for the fences. Tom definitely respected the gamble and I think Tobey will defend him too. Any other episode this could ruin him, but I think Jen and Robin will give him cover.
• Tonight’s top three are definitely the cream of the crop. At this point I would be very surprised if they were not in the finals. Jen was in this class early on, but for some reason, whether it is her lack of confidence or unified vision, she has taken a step back.
• MIKE V. NO!!!!! I can’t believe he upset his brother. Padma is a winner here too, because I’m sure she’ll go with Mike on his trip to the vineyard. Could be some tension in the room as Bryan laments another loss at judge’s table to his brother. His younger brother. His obnoxious younger brother.
• Jen is vulnerable because of her attitude in previous attitudes. Tom, who has typically been an ardent defender has cooled on her lately, so he could be the swing judge. He seemed to excuse her dish and attack Robin, which makes me think Jen is safe. Bye Robin.
• There is no way Eli goes home. The judges stuck it to him, but this slipup shouldn’t exceed the continually poor work of Jen and Robin.
• Nigella looks like she could be Gail’s older sister.
• Robin “doesn’t know how to play it safe.” Ha! She can’t play at all. She’s not only in the minors, but she’s playing quidditch while everyone else is playing baseball.
• Oh god. They hated Eli’s dish. So nervous. The producers do a great job making it look like anyone could go. Sticking with Robin as my castoff, regardless of Tom’s recap.
• Ding Dong the witch is dead! Actually that’s not really appropriate. More like, Sanjaya is finally gone or the kid who has skated by in a spelling bee with words like “apple” and “banana.” I will definitely miss Robin’s comedic timing and delivery.
• The upcoming excitement for me will revolve around the battle between Jen and Eli. As far as Eli is concerned, he could win or poison someone. Jen’s performance will be evident from early on in the episode, as her attitude is a telltale sign of how she’ll do.

Natalie Portman in the kitchen

Ok Robin, you’ve had a good run, but it’s time to say goodbye. You will not slip through to another episode. This Sanjaya experience has gone on long enough.
• I like how every episode begins with a talking head from Robin, just so we remember that she’s still around.
• Barb: “I didn’t know tv guide was still around.” She also thinks Sopranos is a good knife. She’s probably right. I think Seinfeld will be problematic.
• Of course Robin didn’t watch television. If she had, maybe she’d have learned some social skills the way everyone else does.
• Mike I has never seen SEINFELD!!! OHY MY GOD. What bubble did he live in? Was he so far up his own ass he never watched the most popular show of all time? No wonder his sense of humor is so skewed. He should have made risotto, a mackinaw peach on the side, some mullogatani and a Snapple to drink. Seinfeld fans should know all of those references.
• Bryan V is a genius. The concept of his dish was spot on. Plus he got an erotic noise from Padma.
• I love that Jen embraces her terrible performances. She is on such a cold streak that she could go home. I hope this is not the case.
• Of course Robin doesn’t eat steak. Probably hates America. Her sayings warrant an amazing drink game, except that I’m watching it with my mom.
•
After seeing the kitchen I think I need to change my underwear, but wait, it gets better because of Natalie Portman! Right before I can really enjoy the moment, though, she drops the bomb on me and says she’s a vegetarian. Blue balls? Blue balls anyone?
• I once made a frozen chicken pizza for a pseudo vegetarian (she eats fish). She revealed her proclivity to me after I had already made it. Quick solution, just pick the chicken off and eat it yourself so she doesn’t notice. Somehow she still tasted some meat…
• So eggplant, mushrooms or tofu? Not sure what other main substitutes you can throw in there.
• “I lose, Eli wins.” I love you Jen. She keeps climbing over the entire kitchen.
• Mike I’s mom was a vegan? Explains why he never watched SEINFELD.
• Wow, Eli has nailed his standing on the show. Right in the middle. I wonder if that awareness will help him make the jump up.
• “Can I steal a smidgen of that boiling water?” How big is a smidgen Robin? Her technical approach is amazing.
• Jen loves her meat. Get it? Meat?
• I wish Mike I had added some meat to his dish for that extra flavor. That would be amazing if he could sneak it on them without someone noticing.
• Barb: “Some of you will not be receiving the garbonzo beans tonight”
• Oh no! Just a balance issue? Someone will definitely screw up worse than that. I fear Robin will live to see another day.
• If Mike V doesn’t nail Natalie Portman I’ll be really surprised. All the single ladies are fawning over his “food.”
• Jen is saucing everyone’s plates? Oh god. This is depressing. It’s like watching a hobbled veteran struggle to maintain their previous level of play. The reaction seemed ok.
• I would be fine with Mike I leaving. Poor execution and not a well received idea. He’s definitely in the bottom.
• Oh NO! Not all of Bryan’s dish made it to the table! Oh god. Oh god. He obviously wants to panic but he kept his stuff together. At least nothing is hotter than Padma and Natalie Portman talking about oral sex. That’s not a bad thing. I’m not mad.
• Kevin or Mike V wins, definitely. Mike I or Robin are gone.
• Kevin has fan favorite locked up. Done and done.
• Mike V’s food doesn’t reflect the person that he is. He’s such a jerk, but his food is always described as fun.
• Of course Natalie will choose Mike V. WOAH!!! She chose Kevin. Mind boggling. GE appliances? Seems random, but ok.
• I like that Mike thinks if something looks like a protein it is a protein.
• Tom called Robin out on her awfulness! I think this is it for her.
• Oh no, Jen might have just shot herself in the foot with her defense at judge’s table. Tom is her biggest defender and he seemed to waiver in his support. So worried. Her defeatist attitude might get her sent home. No idea who is gone.
• Padma obviously has a grudge against Jen. She can’t take a challenge to her sexual status. I bet if Natalie was sticking around she’d turn on her too.
• If Mike I goes home before Robin he will pack his knifes and go, but only after he stabs Robin in the heart. Which raises the question, if two people are gone does no one go home next week?
• Has Tom always had that hair under his lip?
• Jen gets a reprieve. Robin is finally gone.
• Mike I is gone (and I’m wrong again)! His embrace of Jen and the reaction from Gail blew my mind. So intrigued!
• Robin is like those little plants that live on the bottom of the ocean. They suck, but keep on living for some reason. They survive because nobody notices.

Restaurant slaughter

So I’m wavering in my desire to see Robin get kicked off. Laurine brings less to the show in terms of controversy and amusement, so I wouldn’t mind seeing her go. Plus, Laurine has a limited ceiling of ability so it wouldn’t be doing the world a disservice if she was sent home before Robin.
Restaurant Wars is unpredictable because it requires a leap of faith by all the members to trust the others members and effectively sign their fate to the work of people who could suck (looking at you Robin). Enough from me, time to watch and get turned on by food porn (and the V brothers).
• Jen is smoking hot!!! I bet Ashley wishes she was still around. I wonder if Padma is threatened by Jen’s sexuality???
• So they’ve really been playing up the competition between the V brothers early in this episode. That usually means it will play out later, which would make sense since they really built up a minor confrontation on last week’s episode.
• They don’t think you’re the mom Robin. They think you can’t cook. Maybe they think of you as the mom, but if they do, it’s as the mom who can’t cook. Mom who can’t cook and had cancer. Mom who can’t cook, had cancer and tells everyone. Mom who can’t cook, tells everyone about her cancer and briefly dated Tom in the 90s.
• Michael V is a genius with awesome catch-phrases (period on sentences). His lineup was perfect!
• I hope that someday people call me a “good plater”
•
Don’t know why I didn’t see this earlier, but Mike V’s team has restaurant wars locked up. They haven’t made Robin the out front person yet, but they need to. She’ll just tell people about her cancer (sympathy points) and stay out of the kitchen (real points). The V brothers and Eli could totally take care of everything else!
• Kevin will be huge in the sustainable aspect of the competition. This is my sleeper theme for the episode.
• By the way, I’m eating risotto my mom made from a box for dinner. It’s terrible. So sticky. It’s like a grainy paste.
• Definitely Robin’s idea that they sit Indian style. Mike V seems to be taking a lot of responsibility, which could kill him.
• What kind of phones Eli? Oh….Sprint. I want to use my At&T phone to call Eli and tell him to get back in the kitchen! Hobits will scare people. Although Robin’s insistence on high fives might calm people down.
• Waiting for Michael I to say “Mission, because I want to do it missionary style with Jen.”
• Robin makes me laugh. Usually not on purpose though…
• Watching Jen’s team prep and I’m 95% sure they’re going to win. They’re menu is hearty and awesome, plus everyone seems on their game. Basically they don’t have Robin on their team….
• Jen never wants to talk to Tom and always claims it’s because they’re too busy. Real reason: The sexual tension is still rough from their one night stand.
• Wait a second! There are customers? Don’t think Laurine should be that surprised.
• REVOLT seems like a way for the V brothers to plug their own names…
• I like that Mike V doesn’t want to be cussed at, since he loves swearing! I never knew mike had this sensitive side. Must save it for the ladies.
• R-E-S-P-E-C-T! You’d get it if you didn’t suck Robin. But wait, Tobey liked it! Right now it looks like she is safer than I would like. If this team loses I think anyone could go home.
• Padma gave a look of such disdain for Laurine after she walked away without describing the first round of dishes. This will definitely come back to bite her in the butt. Padma is all about vengeance when it comes to judge’s table. Speaking of judge’s table, if Mike I comes in with his cocky attitude about this salt snafu he could be in for a world of hurt.
• The blue team is falling apart. I was way off on them. Thought they had their stuff together, but they’re not really operating well as a team. Kevin is definitely safe and Mike I will probably skate by, but Laurine and Jen should be worried. In Jen’s favor, though, she has a strong history that the judges seem to acknowledge. At least these guys know they lost.
• LOVE. LOVE . LOVE that the producers of this show decided to show Mike V’s hypocrisy. I commented on this earlier, but the way they executed it was amazing. His voiceover playing during his contrasting styles killed me.
• Was it just me or did Padma ask the V brothers to tag team her? Maybe you heard compliments drooling from her mouth, but I envisioned something else… Um, their food. Duh! Of course Padma has a little something for Michael! She’s so happy. Can’t imagine her doing that same presentation for Robin. Honestly, I thought I was a condom she was holding up at first.
• What a big heart Mike V has. And if you disagree, well f*@% you! But please, no cursing.
• The first chink in Bryan’s zen like approach to life has shown through. He thinks his brother in unprofessional in the kitchen, which is probably accurate unless you’re Gordon Ramsey. Is this the crescendo before an explosion in a later episode? All signs point to Padma being interested. I mean all signs point to yes.
• I wonder if Padma will get up and slap Laurine in the face for the service. I’d say no, just because Padma prefers tongue lashings, either giving them or taking them from the V brothers.
• Jen’s performance at judge’s table is hard to watch. She really is broken. I can only imagine how Bill is doing, as he watches his girl toil in the wind. He’s actually in Colorado right now so he’s probably moseying south to give her a shoulder to cry on and a (graphic sex joke deleted).
• Ok, so Laurine is gone. Everyone else has too good of a track record to go home, except for Laurine. Not wavering from this opinion, regardless of what happens at the table.
• The Rock was rocked to the point where it couldn’t rock anymore. Bye Laurine.
•

Top Chef Second Look

Just because I'm always open to a second opinion, here are some thought's on last night's episode from Bill....

What topped ash's "I forgot flavor!" line (you said it was 2nd or 3rd)? I personally laughed my ass off and thought it was number one (hence the text you received). It makes sense ash is gone; Robin brings a good controversy element to the "behind the scenes". Of course the producers have their noses in the judges decisions, but the top chefs are still on the show so it's cool. PS Bryan is bad ass because he doesn't need tattoos to make himself cool; he is just emotionally non responsive to any stimuli.

Top Chef: Pigs in a Blanket

I’m hoping to say Hey Hey Goodbye to Robin tonight, although I’m emotionally prepared to deal with the loss of Ash or Laurine. Without further ado, here goes my running diary for Top Chef…
• So Eli lives with his parents. WOuldn’t have seen that one coming based on his attitude. This is a guy who won’t stand for nonsense, yet he’s still ok living with his parents. I’m an adult living with my parents and I don’t see all the positives that Eli sees. As far as I know he has a job, which makes me wonder why he hasn’t moved out, because that’s all that is stopping me. He is 25! What will he do if he wins? Celebrate by buying a Wii for his room? Ughhh
• Wait, Robin had cancer??? SHUT IT already. Robin thinks winning Top Chef would make her invincible. Now I want her to win and get struck down by a car or have her cancer come back. Ok, that feeling has passed as a I feel like a bad person, but c’mon, she sucks.
• Just in case you were wondering, those are GE ovens.
• Glad Padma got her call right. Utensils must go down first before hands go up for safety sake.
• Charlie is going to rip Robin’s head off. Maybe I’m just hoping for it, but it seems like a “perfectionist” like Charlie will hate someone who basically sucks. And guess what? Robin sucks, so she should be right in his wheelhouse. And yup, there it is. Maybe this is the day she sees the light at the end of the tunnel. Figuratively of course. I don’t want her to die…
• Kevin likes pork? I feel like there should be a joke there. It’s staring me in the face and for some reason I can’t get it.
• Bryan is so geeky. I love him So happy I picked him as my guy, because not only he is a credible threat, he is also fun to root for. My friend Bill, who is rooting for Jen, gave Bryan props from last week, call him “bad ass” and “stoic.” I’m not sure how bad ass he is compared to his brother, who has tattoos and definitely had sex with Padma.
• Eli begins ranting about amateur pallets (spelling?) and the camera goes to Robin. I assume he was talking about her, because he hates her, but some producer is definitely egging things on. Can’t wait for the confrontation that has been hyped so much between Eli and Robin.
• I have no confidence in Laurine. She just said she’s cooking something she’s never tried before. She’s probably not good enough to ad lib like this. Right now she’s my favorite to go home, just because Robin seems immortal.
• Robin is talking out loud again! I love it. She is so oblivious. Italian Mike seems like the Robin psychologist. He should give speeches about how to handle her. He is starting to grow on me. Eli hates Robin! Oh my this is fun. Finally we’re getting some house stuff. I’ve said this before, but this needs its own hour!!!! Robin is here to make friends. She was hoping to find a lover.
• In all seriousness, Robin, Ash and probably Laurine have talent ceilings that they’re rapidly approaching. The only way they’re no t the next three out is if someone else really messes up. Even then, though, Ash will probably do the right thing and talk his way out.
• Just realized where Bryan’s restaurant’s name came from. Volt! It’s from his last name. So I’m a little slow on the uptake… On a more serious note, Michael V is acknowledging that Bryan is a woman compared to him. Love how the father figure brings out the tension between the two brothers.
• Ok, Jen is so cute. I’d say fan favorite, except her personality might not be that appealing to people. Ash has a shot to win that, but Kevin or Eli are my current votes for fan favorites. Michael V doesn’t have shot because he’s kind of a jerk….
• Clammy? I think that’s a good description for someone’s clam. Oh Ash, wasn’t there someone you could copy or have lead you???
• Tom is really rocking his sandals. Can a judge win fan favorite?
• Based just on Kevin’s confidence during his description I feel like he’ll win. Judges seemed to quietly love Bryan’s dish. Based on Padma’s reaction to Jen dish I would say she has this locked up. I mean I could watch Padma eat that all day long.
• Looks like Laurine’s terrible dish might get saved by Robin’s awful dish. One of these two ladies will be going home. Although, I’m reminded of Ash’s clammy label for his pork. But no, I’m remaining hopeful that Robin is leaving us, if only for the open next week when everyone rejoices she is gone.
• Top 4 for this episode are probably the four best. Mike I is over confident and Eli just falls apart some times, which explains why they’re in the middle, above Ash, Laurine and Robin. The top four this season are miles ahead of Hosea from last season.
• “Big R, little obin.” The greatest line of this season. She stands by her dish! Classic mistake, because Tom, and it’s always him, will be bothered by the fact she thought this was a good dish. He likes it when people recognize the flaws in their dish. Robin’s idiocy might be topped by Ash’s stupidity, which seems to anger Tom enough to ignore Robin. I would have said Robin is safe, but her lack of technical no-how with regards to her dish is unsettling. Any other episode Laurine would totally be gone, but it’s Ash or Robin this time probably. The way Tom characterized Ash’s dish as “amateurish” doesn’t bode well for him. I could imagine them basing their decision on him going as far as he could go in this competition. But please, send Robin home!!!!
• “I forgot flavor!” Ash gives us the second or third best line of the season.
• If I had to pick one, I would say Ash is gone. Finally choice. My gut just says they think he has peaked in the wake of last week.
• Wow. Ash is gone, but the odd part was the way Padma kicked him off. She relished it way too much. The other contestants are going to lose it now that Robin is still around, especially with Restaurant Wars coming up!!!

Dinner party chefs

So it’s time for another episode of “Top Chef.” This late post is because I’m not watching it until Saturday afternoon. Is that a bad thing?
• A couple things of note: Michael had his first kid when he was 21. Yikes. Jen will have to overcome some serious adversity in this episode (she’s sick), and since the producers are highlighting this she’ll either win or get kicked off. My guess is win because she’s a serious competitor.
• It seems odd to me that Tyler Florence is the guest judge. Rarely is there any crossover between Food Network and Top Chef. He is a rare exception, as is the super gay guy on Food Network who appeared on Top Chef Masters. You know who I mean, the guy who always puts on parties! I would love to see Bobby Flay as a guest judge or Rachel Ray, and hear what the Top Chef contestants think about these more prolific chefs.
• SO in real life Padma is pregnant. The intrigue is that no one knows who the father is! Well, I guess she knows, but she’s not telling. All I can say is that it was either Tom or Michael. We already know that Michael is fertile so that would make sense and the sexual tension between Tom and Padma is palpable.
• The fact that Robin keeps bringing up the fact that other people don’t think she should be there means to me that she has her own doubts. No one would harp on it this much if they didn’t think there was some ring of truth. Is she trying to garner sympathy or what? I hope she gets kicked off. The only interesting part of her is the spite she generates from Jen, Laurine and Eli. Eli is currently my favorite for his riff on Robin’s cancer shtick last week. For this week’s quickfire one of her characteristics was stressed and I’m 95% sure she’ll reference cancer in her dish’s description.
• Shouldn’t it be “Utensils down and hands up?”
• Very excited that Kevin chose money over immunity. On “the Apprentice” he would be fired for such a decision, but here, where talent wins it is the right move. Kevin is one of the 6 strongest chefs and with Robin still around he should be safe. Really liked Kevin before this and now he has reaffirmed him position as a personal favorite. He is a potential fan favorite, as are Michael and Bryan, Jen, Eli and maybe Ash. No standouts like Fabio in last season. It will be interesting to see what happens there.
• I like it when reality tv plays out so perfectly and it doesn’t look like the producers set it up. Michael, who hates Robin a ton, has been teamed up with Robin for the elimination challenge! There will be a total explosion. So excited. Is there anyway Robin is on next week? I say no. Even if they stink it up, she’ll go home because he’s routinely been better.
• No idea who is going home at this point. My gut says Ashley, Ash or Michael V are gone. Based on the opening scenes I would say that Michael V is gone and Jen wins.
• I’ve said this before, but the throwaway segments on “Top Chef” are ultimate gold. These 1 to 3 minutes clips that humanize the characters as we see into their lives should get more time. They must have enough footage to air another hour of television. This episode had Robin and Mike A strengthening their rapport, whereby Mike just lets her think out loud. HILARIOUS! Come on Bravo, Friday nights should be when you show more original Top Chef footage. I want it and I’m sure you have it.
• Ash is going home. He is doing terribly at judge’s table. Tom is going to rip him apart for all his compliments to Michael. They’ll send Ash home because he’s reached a ceiling ability-wise. This was a theme brought up during the episode. Ash totally knew he messed up. Michael knew that Ash saved him. Wow. Not sure who would have gone home otherwise. Maybe I’m wrong, though, they really hated Ashley and Eli’s execution. Regardless I still think Ash is gone.
• Looks like I was wrong. Ashley is gone. I definitely underestimated how much they hated her prawns. Ash now seems very vulnerable for next week. He hasn’t quite joined Robin’s level in the basement, but he’s definitely rising up anymore.
• Next week’s episode looks great! We learn which chef is Robin’s child! (Spoiler alert: Aren’t we all Robin’s children?)

Top Chef update

So thanks to a screw up by Bravo or my DVR, I ended up missing the episode of Top Chef that said goodbye to Jessie and Hector. Luckily, I did get to see last week's episode where my boy Bryan thrived. Thrived, though, fails to capture how well he did and i think Gail said it best when she admitted she wouldn't mind camping with him. Read that how you will, but yeah, he probably banged her (Based on this picture, who can blame her???).
This episode did a good job differentiating between the strong and weak. I think the bottom three in the elimination challenge are the worst chefs and will soon be gone. Pauline, if that even is her name, can't execute and usually has terrible plans. Ron, for all his charm, can't cook fish. I'm a pseudo-cook, who never has any idea what's going on during Top Chef, but even I knew he over cooked his fish in the quick fire.
Utterly amazed that scum bag Michael, the dark haired one who isn't the young brother, is considered a good cook. Maybe it's his personality that has biased me against him, but apparently he has a little game. I thought he was all bluster. His preparation skill with the cactus proved me wrong.
I've always thought Ashley was a strong cook and I'm glad she had a strong showing.
THe brothers V were both in the top again, which is exciting for me as a fan of their dynamic. Michael had a good dish with what seemed like a risk, but I think eventually he will fail spectacularly with one of those gambles at a time he can't afford to fail. Bryan on the other hand demonstrated how restrained and calculating he is. Maybe his lack of risks will come back to bite him in the butt. For now, though, his workman approach to cooking should keep him alive.
Excited for tonight's episode. Penn and Teller, magic, and intrigue!Sounds good.

General in the Kitchen

(Editor’s note: This is really just Dave, as I’m my own editor, which is to say no one edits the content or grammar of what I post. Anyway, sorry this is so late coming for all you die hard fans)
So they totally sexualize Jennifer. In the opening she is definitely playing up her sultry appeal.
I find this fascinating because typically Top Chef is very unsexy. I mean let’s face it, chefs are not traditionally beautiful people. I’ve been calling half the guys hobits this season. For every Fabio there is a Stefan and five hobits. Although, Bryan and Michael are hot. Jen is good looking. Laurine is mom attractive at 38.
Not wild about Padma’s outfit for the quickfire. I feel like it was designed for convenience, if she was breast feeding. I’m confident there will be a nipple slip if she has to lean over to taste soup.
Surprise surprise, the fat girl likes potatoes. Are there any other carbs she likes?
Apparently Ron Duprat, the Haitian is a fan favorite. I’m not currently of this mindset, as I find him boring and don’t care for his story. He’s too nice. He’s a one trick pony and I don’t like horses.
Are the Chefs allowed to bash the products they’re using? One chef is having problems with the ice cream maker and I want him to yell “F*%k General Electric!”
Jen is totally kicking ass and taking names. I like that the Italian stereotype already resents her. She’s definitely a force to be reckoned with, but I think Ashley really showed me something in this quickfire. I wouldn’t sleep on her (and not just because I’m far from her ideal bed company). I really hope Ashley freaks out about the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell policy.”
You can tell right now who will be around at the end. Ron and Ashley won’t last much longer. The red headed cougar will be extinct soon. Also, relatively hot Mom Laurine can’t coast by forever. Michael can’t be long for this world either. He’s uber confident and seems pretty good, but he feels more like a Hell’s Kitchen candidate. So loud. So overconfident. So would be bait for Gordon.
“Troops love chowder.” Ron is so wise.
I still advocate for additional Top Chef footage airing on different days. The web exclusive footage is good, but there isn’t enough and it’s hard to find. It’s not like BRAVO couldn’t preempt a Real Housewives rerun for some new original content.
Tom is a straight shooter. Some might say he’s an ass, but that’s just a hat he wears sometimes. Padma on the other hand relishes her opportunity to be an ass. At judge’s table tonight they each showed their true colors. Padma really enjoyed beating them down. Tom simply seemed flabbergasted. Padma did make a great comment about how two contestants were just coasting by and not trying to win. That would totally be my strategy on a reality show. Gather a strong following until I could get my own show.
Gail also pointed out the competition aspect. Wasn’t really paying attention though, since I just stare at her and zone out. I acknowledge that Padma is the better looking of the two, but I find Gail entrancing. UGHHH.
Preethi, I think that’s it, made a good comment about this year’s cast. They definitely seem like the best, if not top tiered. Was not moved by her excuses, though, as her new found desire to please the customers seemed disingenuous.
Looks like a quickfire loser will be getting sent home next week. Not crazy about that. You can’t throw people off that randomly this late into the game. It’s not like Paris Hilton’s search for a new bff…

Top Chef: Las Vegas #2

In lieu of a running diary I’ll just be expanding on some of my thoughts during this week’s episode of Top Chef: Las Vegas. I’ll start topics and come back to them as they develop.
I will add that in my Top Chef pool, one friend has chosen Kevin (Sean) and another Jen (Bill). My horse is older brother Bryan. The other people haven’t picked theirs yet. Lame, I know. So here we go.

From the Makers of GLADWARE…
I love the promotions on this show. They should have to say things like, thank god I had my safe seal Tupperware or this duck would have spoiled or I only can roast my Lamb in a GE oven. Someone did say, it needs to be in Gladware and ready to go, so I guess that was close enough.

The Brothers McMullen
The seeds of the rivalry are already being sewn. Normally the producers don’t shamelessly push an angle, but this one will probably be prevalent. Can you imagine if one of these guys went home in like week #3? No way they would let that happen.
Looks like older brother has no balls. I like that he’s the calm and conservative one, while the younger brother is revolutionizing cooking. Classic dynamic.

Michael is pretty cool. He’s the bad ass younger one, and you can tell he’s bad ass, because he wears a backward hat and a t-shirt. Michael, the older brother, is lame because he wears collared shirts. Wonder if their outfits were chosen by the producers…. Of course Bryan is a family man. I bet Michael will bang Padma. Oh the potential for these two boys is limitless. I’m in love.
Really, Michael wants to take a risk and thinks risks are important. I bet he has sex without a condom too. Too much?
A brother head to head? Oh Gail, who told you to say that???

High Stakes Quickfires
These high stakes quick fires are making a mockery of the grand prize, which is like $100,000. The fact you can win $15,000 in one little challenge, seems to make light of the whole season. Although, I think Stefan would have loved this had it been done last year. He seemed to win every quickfire, but lost the big prize to Senor Deuchebag Hosea. Yeah, I hate Hosea. He was lame. He should have banged Leah. That’s just one of my many problems with him
Quickfire prizes should be lame. A cook book. A knife. A polish dildo. Whatever. Not huge amounts of money. I don’t find it anymore exciting, and I don’t care that the chefs care more. It’s not like they’re going to start trying harder now…

Fan Favorite
No idea who is going to be the fan favorite. Like Mateeeeen’s chances early on. He’s got personality, but it’s not really shaping up early on. In Mateen’s favor is the fact that he wants to flirt and has an accessory.
One of the hobits could do well, like Kevin. The hobit with glasses is annoying and has already secured my hatred. Although I guess that could be up in the air.

I’m Gay. -Ashley
Great, I don’t care that you’re gay. I care that you’re obviously going to stir shit, which I love. So stir away. I would say that you’re obviously a lunatic, but that’s for later. Ok, I’m developing an odd attraction to Ashley. I know she’ s gay, but that makes me wonder even more.
I think we can all agree that Padma should strip at the bachelor party and Tom should show his junk at the bachelorette party. Oh snap, Jen is mad about the team arrangements! I hope all the ladies confront Tom and Padma.
After all her bitching, Ashley better complain at some point. If she doesn’t, well I won’t know what to believe in. She’s getting riled up waiting to see the judges. If she doesn’t get called in she won’t get to vent, which will mean she’ll have to charge the judges room. I know what I’m rooting for. Not encouraged by her lack of rant!
A little disappointed she got called in, although it guarantees she’ll say something. And she says nothing! At least next week she can bitch about “don’t ask-don’t tell.”
The gay guy on the men’s team just sort of roles with his stereotypical role. At first he’s offended that he has to care for the flowers, and then six seconds later he acts like it is common knowledge that gay guys can tend plants better than straight guys. I totally agree, but I was surprised how fast he accepted this role. I want to learn this guy’s name, because he has grown on me throughout the episode.

Other comments
I wonder if Gordon Ramsey could eat food the way these judges do, in that they don’t have a temper tantrum every time they taste something. With him things are either the end of the world (most of the time) or he has just orgasmed in his mouth. The TC judges taste, contemplate and move on. They talk shit later, but at least in the quickfire they’re respecting the work of the chefs. Although, this might stem from the utter lack of talented people Ramsey has to deal with. It’s his own fault though, they recruit terrible people so he can go on his rampages. My friend from school, Sean, just made this revelation after recently losing his TC virginity and acknowledging there are talented chefs. He’s a devoted follower of Ramsey’s Hell’s Kitchen, which I have been too for the last two seasons, but bailed before this one.
JEN NEEDS A WORKER!!! What does that mean???
How are they never over when they go to the register? I call shenanigans!
What’s a sevichelle? How do you spell seviche? Am I getting closer? Seveche? I like the idea of an ‘l’ in there.
100% sure that Jesse is the fat chef from Gilmore Girls. I think her name was Sookie. And she’s crying! Just like Sookie. Any other week she would be out, but Eve is definitely gone. My brother enjoyed that Sookie grabbed a bottle of what looked like champagne when she finished at judges table. Like how I’m done calling her jesse?
They don’t do enough with the relationships in the house. I would totally support an additional half hour, or maybe even another hour, of tv sometime in the week to focus solely on house dynamics. Am I the only one who loves these people? They’re pretty normal, but interesting enough to make the viewing worthwhile.