Elementary School Entertainment, My Dear Watson.

I like Guy Ritchie movies, even the bad ones. They’re normally fun. I’d go so far as to say they’re joyous romps. Joyous romps marred with blood, death, slow-mo action scenes and strange accents.
There is all of that in Guy Ritchie’s latest film, SHERLOCK HOLMES, except for the fun.
The movie tries to be fun. Unfortunately you’re left with banter reminiscent of HOUSE and a dynamic between Holmes and Watson that plays like Gus and Sean on PSYCH. Granted, both of those shows steal from the idea of Holmes, but this version of Holmes is essentially a bad rip off of other rip offs. If that sounds like a recipe for success then I’ve got a movie for you!
If not, then I’d encourage you to enter this movie well rested. Otherwise you’ll end up catching some zzz’s, like Alex and I did during the movie. I think I missed about 15 to 20 minutes during the middle, while he opted to ignore the last hour (Maybe he didn’t want a bad ending to spoil a great beginning).
Ritchie slams you in the face with this movie. Joke. Bang! Action scene. Bang! Joke! Wit! Action! Intrigue! Get it? Do you? Good. Because that’s what he’s going for. This movie has all the subtlety of a porn film, except when it comes to the mystery of the movie. The mystery and its resolution are of the Scooby Doo variety, in that no matter how well you paid attention, it was always some secret gas, mysterious chemical or groundskeeper that made it all possible.
As for the acting, I found that I really enjoyed Rachel McAdams. Playing something more than a damsel in distress, she doesn’t exactly steal the scenes she is in, but does contribute a lot. The same can be said about Jude Law, who is also a quality supporting actor.
The problem, dear brutus, lies with the star. Not that Downey Jr. is bad at Holmes. The problem is that he isn’t a star in the role. He is not a commanding presence. He is not Tony Stark. He is Kirk Lazarus (Tropic Thunder). A supporting actor. Except he needs to be the star here, and he doesn’t shine bright enough. Not for a movie of this size and scope.
So what you’re left with is a mediocre romp. It’s probably not as bad as I felt it was in the aftermath of the experience.
As far as reimaginings go this is no BATMAN BEGINS. Maybe the revenue will be enough to warrant a sequel. I don’t know. I’m more excited for a comedic take on Holmes. I think that’s what the world needed. Not a pithy version that we’ve already seen on television.
If you like explosions, go see this. If you like your laughs spoon fed to you, then go see this movie. If you like a movie to slap you in the face, steal your wallet and leave you feeling violated, then go see this movie.
I wish I had seen UP IN THE AIR.

Trailers

Sex and the City 2: This movie didn't need to be made. The first one didn't need to be made. Ugh. Where the first movie remained grounded in some aspects of what made the show great (it was in NYC?), this movie appears to be running away from any semblance of wit and fun.
http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi731841561/

Nine: Boy this movie looks hot. It's like CHICAGO meets the PUSSYCAT DOLLS, but in a good way. I'm excited for this movie, to the point where I might even see it in theaters. Even Kate Hudson doesn't look awful.
http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi3483436057/

Hot Tub Time Machine: At least it's a creative idea for a movie. Can you guess what it's about? Yeah, it's about philosophers Locke and Hobbes. Kidding. Honestly, though, this looks like fun. Essentially a homeless man's version of THE HANGOVER, with more stupid culture references.
http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi1318257689/

Shrek (I'm Green and I want more Green): So that's not the real title of this movie, but it might as well be. At this point in his life I don't think Mike Myers has a soul. He has made a sequel to wayne's world, two (and maybe three) to austin powers and now a fourth Shrek movie!!! UGh. The trailer looks bad. Basically I feel like they ran out of ideas so they'll do the first movie again, but in a different universe.
http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi2962621465/

District 9: MUST SEE!

On a related note, I will never see AVATAR in theaters. Visual effects are great, as long as they're only the for the purpose of augmenting a strong story. Well, according to Joe the story in Avatar sucks (Joe is my brother). His opinion gains even more oomph when you consider it in conjunction with the poor reviews the movie has gotten and actually watch the awful clips that have been released.
I won't just skip Avatar. Rather, I'll resent Avatar for stealing the spotlight from other "revolutionary" movies, such as District 9. Ever heard of it? Maybe? If you had, your perception of it is probably similar to Alex's when he referred to it, which is that District 9 was a Transformers rip off. After seeing the movie, Alex isn't saying that anymore.
In fact, Alex is raving about the movie. THat's high praise from a guy who usually sticks to comedies and has no problem just sleeping through movies that don't hold his attention.
Hopefully that recommendation will be enough to motivate you to view this movie. If not, I will also offer some disjointed thoughts about DISTRICT 9.
District 9 is filmed in the documentary style that has become all the rage lately. The movie works this element seamlessly, utilizing the effect at the beginning and end to set the scene and offer closure. It also adds a layer of realism to a film that becomes shockingly plausible.
The plot of the movie is relatively simple. In a world where aliens live in a refugee settlement in South Africa, one low level administrator gets an infection that begins turning him into one of the aliens. What then happens is a morality story, layered with references to apartheid and a critique of corporate greed. You end up getting a high-end trippy film with stunning visual aspects and a constant flow of surprises.
The film's star was completely unknown before this movie, with his only other credit being a sniper role in some movie. Now the guy will be in the upcoming A-Team movie. His name is Sharlto Copley and he is simply awesome. His character undergoes a transformation that is shocking when you consider his demeanor from start to finish. This is obvious since he goes from mindless drone in this movie to big time action star in the A-Team.
I don't want to say more about the movie because uncovering the plot is half the fun. This movie really is an event. It's a ride. Honestly, find a nice big tv and some friends to watch this movie with, and you won't be disappointed.

The Apprentice: Summer Camp Edition

Author's Note: (A version of this column will never run in the paper, because my editor/mom says it will get me fired from the job that is referenced. Well, I waited until that job was over and then she said it would keep me from working for them again. I don't want to work there again. Plus it's not that big of a deal. Here it is...)

On Monday, November 30th I was flown to Philadelphia (via Cleveland to build character) for training on how to promote the new Windows smart phones at malls in the Northeast during the holiday shopping season. It wasn’t long into this experience, specifically during our first team exercise that I realized I was involved in the first installment of The Apprentice: Summer Camp Edition.
I should have caught on immediately when I noticed the “bug juice” on the table for dinner, but it wasn’t until I heard the dinner conversations that I realized everyone was reconnecting like the first day of summer camp. While none of the campers knew each other, they immediately fell into a familiar pitter patter about promotions and products that dripped off their tongues and was a foreign language to me.
The Apprentice dynamic emerged the next day we were assigned the task of creating thirty second commercials for the phones. During brainstorming everyone began to carve out their niche, whether it was obnoxious blowhard, take charge leader, reserved standout or silent drift wood. In lieu of Ivanka Trump assessing our progress we were monitored by a less famous, but equally untalented babe spouting similar canned clichés.
The result of the challenge was three recycled ideas, with yours truly ripping off John Hodgeman’s PC persona. Ultimately all three groups were declared winners. This was the Summer Camp part of the event, because we were fostering an environment that only exists in the lives of small children.
While familiarizing ourselves with the products we were assured they were cutting edge and top of their class. It could have imagined Donald Trump declaring that these were, “the classiest, greatest, most amazing classy phones. Pharaohs wanted them and god used them to drunk dial the pope.” Eventually it became clear that like a camp craft project we were just killing time, and it didn’t matter what our lanyards looked like or if we could use the phone.
It wasn’t all fun and games, as we received the first of a series of warnings detailing how perilous are pursuit was. Unfortunately the corporate VP who spoke to us was less like Trump’s right hand woman Carol, and more like a restrained version of Alec Baldwin’s character in Glengarry Glen Ross. She rallied our spirits while impressing upon us the severity of our task. It was hard to take seriously, though, since she didn’t drop the bomb about third prize. What does third prize get? You’re fired.
If only. If only that was the case I might have taken this all a little more serious. Unfortunately I got caught up in the summer camp aspect of the gathering and decided to be the apathetic contestant more commonly found on Celebrity Apprentice. I chose to play solitaire on the phone, talk politics and generally avoided thinking about windows as a silent protest against the fact our conference room had none. Luckily you can only get sent home from camp if you’re ill or homesick.
On our final day we began working towards our big end of camp skit. We would be role playing a customer interaction from start to finish.
It was during our rehearsals that I realized this training had actual consequences, which differentiated from the made up job a winner gets on The Apprentice, and I began to take it seriously. I threw myself into the process, with my efforts paying off in a big way when my partner and I were chosen to deliver the full presentation as a culmination to the training.
We nailed it. As the promoter of the phone I tied in all the tenets we had been taught and successfully got a fictional person interested in the phone.
Unfortunately the real challenge still lay ahead with the actual field work. I knew this was when things could become tumultuous, as we left the safe confines of summer camp and embarked on The Apprentice: Road Trip Edition.

Jersey Shore: It must be love

In the pantheon of reality television I can confidently say that after 2.25 episodes, Jersey Shore is one of my two favorite reality shows of all time. In fairness to other reality shows, I probably have never seen you. I’m aware of Survivor, Amazing Race, Big Brother and Dancing with the Stars, but they’re not interesting to me. There is nothing compelling about them.
My favorite reality show is Top Chef. It combines interesting plots, characters and cooking. That’s a good recipe for me.
But Jersey Shore is the human experiment of my life. Sure, these people are hilarious on the surface. But that’s just one aspect of the show. The hair, the language the superficial stuff is just one layer. Beneath the surface we see that they’re just like everyone else. It’s just a different package. I love it.
Additionally, ANgelina's boyfriend is a complete wet blanket. Normally this role is acted out by the woman, but he owns the role. He completes the picture by being insecure (worries about what she's doing) and he's awkward in her environment (isn't really around the whole house). He predicts things will go badly during his visit, which couldn't be more accurate. They aren't clicking in this atmosphere and it will blow up in their face. Oh yeah, I'm prematurely writing this since I'm so excited. Also, I'm typically the wet blanket. But I know I am, so I find ways to avoid being the wet blanket. It's a constant struggle.
But wait, my premature declaration has blown up in my face!!!! UGh, i need to shower. ANgelina's boyfriend is married? She's someone's mistress. Must contain my thoughts.

The Office is work

I don't think it is a good sign that watching THE OFFICE now feels like work for me. I've put off watching Thursday's episode for two days now, since I had my first chance to watch it Monday morning.
MY recap of Thursday TV is usually something like this: 30 Rock, Parks, Community, The OFfice and then Fringe. This week I skipped The Office.
If you're wondering, I watch Always Sunny and The League at random points in my life online. Not sure why, and it really has nothing to do with how much i like them. Especially since I hate the League and love Sunny.
But back to THE OFFICE, which hasn't been particularly bad this season. I think the problem for me revolves around the fact that its not a simple running joke anymore. It seems like real life, and tv is about escaping reality.
The reality aspects come into play in terms of Jim's role in the company, which seems rather futile at this point. In his new capacity as co-manager he's not exactly flourishing.
Ok, that doesn't sound like what I want to say. THe reason is because I don't really mean it. I'm beating around the bush, because I don't want to give in. I don't want to admit, that THE OFFICE HASN"T BEEN FUNNY LATELY.
There, I said it.

It hasn't been without laughs, but PARKS AND RECREATIONS has passed it in terms of enjoyable experience. THE OFFICE is still a better show, but like i said, it feels work. Having to digest a real meal, when i just want something light and fluffy is hard.
Maybe it's the consequences of the show. The company could be going under, and that's depressing.
The show definitely has its moments. But they're more like cute moments, such as Erin and Michael bonding in the car after the failure with Scott's Tots.The scene elicited a smile, but not a laugh. My heart was touched, but not my funny bone. So eh.
The show needs to grab me by escaping with me. Let go of reality and go back to the quirks of Office life that people can relate to without wanting to slit their wrists.
Give us more Kevin. Andy should be courting Erin more efficiently. How about Holly? If not Holly, how about some Jan?
Basically, if the open is the funniest thing about the show then something is wrong. The Office needs to get back to work and prove that at this point in its career it still has something left in the tank. I was defending this show vigorously online and in private conversations, but I don't know how much longer I can fight without ammunition.

Enough with Jennifer Hudson

Maybe I'll sound like an idiot, but I just want people to know for sure that I really am. Now that you know that about me, I think you should also know that I can't stand Jennifer Hudson.
My hatred for her goes way back to when she was on American Idol. To this day, that remains to be the only season I've only watched. It started when my friend Rick commented that I was on the show in the form of red head John Stevens. Stevens sang old songs, which was what reminded Rick of me. Well, I'm so sick that I began watching and living through John...
Anyway, Hudson was knocked off a week before Stevens and everyone made a stink about what a travesty that was. So what if she had a better voice? He had better hair. So what if it was a singing competition? He was more popular. Just because he should have been voted off doesn't mean I need to feel bad for Hudson. In fact, I began to resent her because she generated a lot of resentment towards my boy. (I have his debut cd).
Then she was in Dream Girls, which was ok I guess. Don't really think it was better than THE TEMPTATIONS movie from the late 90s, but I guess that's just a matter of choice. I did not think Hudson was great in the movie. She was up against a bunch of nobodies and Cate Blanchett, for her Oscar and all the buzz meant Hudson was getting it.
First of all, Blanchett always deserves to win. She could have done Hudson's role. I'm sure of it. Second, I don't think Hollywood should glamorize fat people. Besides the fact that I'd rather look at Beyonce, I really mean that i don't think she's overcoming any major obstacles in her life by being fat. You can lose weight.
Also, I'm not overly impressed with her voice. Wow! She hits the big notes. She goes for it when she sings. Leaves everything on the stage. Um no. She's no better than Jennifer Hudson-lite on GLEE, who even sang the big DREAM GIRLS song on GLEE. Was there a difference? No, except that the teen didn't get an award and she's probably a better actor.

Finally, and most damning in my opinion, was Hudson's role as Louise in the Sex and the City movie. I hate this movie. I hate it so much. Even if Hudson was great in the movie I would have not liked her. Well she wasn't great. She was annoying. I wanted to poison the next handbag she got in the mail. She just rubbed me the wrong way. If you wanted more of an articulate argument, then you're reading the wrong blog.
By the way, all of this stems from a picture I saw of her on the AOL Today page. No idea what it was in reference to, but I can only hope that she has announced her retirement.
Beyonce is a better singer/actor (Single Ladies/Austin Powers: GOld Member). That's why she gets her picture in, and Jennifer Hudson is absent from this post.

Cloudy in Philadelphia

I just finished the last two episode of ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA, which signified a whimpering end to the 5th season. By a whimper I mean compared to a bang. And this season was filled with bangs, as exemplified by the failed road trip out of Philadelphia.
The penultimate episode revolved around the film of a movie in Philadelphia. The storyline with Mac and Dennis gets the most laughs, in its insanity and the way they're mocking the movie making process. I think i liked the underlying commentary better than anything else. The supposed twists in the episode didn't really deliver any laughs. Dennis failed to amuse me or surprise me. Dee was Dee, which isn't really good or bad, as she's typically just a foil for the other characters. As for Frank, I thought he nailed his role just by eating a breakfast sausage out of his breast pocket.
I think my main problem with this episode stemmed from the fact that it felt like a repeat. THe episode felt like something I'd already seen in new packaging. I understand that every episode is about how horrible they are and how futile their lives are, but each episode needs to bring something new. This episode felt like nothing new.
There were definitely shades of SUNNY brilliance in the episode, but they were fleeting. Dee trying to get into the trailer was classic. Unfortunately her self-destruction was predictable. Mac and Charlie brainstorming is always giggle worthy. Actually they remained at a high level of excellence. Ultimately it comes down to Dennis remaining out of the limelight until the end, when he is supposed to steal the show. It ultimately fell flat.
The finale, which brings the gang to college was also a disappointment. Alex loved the episode and talked it up to the point where I had to see it tonight. Unfortunately I disagree with assessment of the episode. I think I actually enjoyed his recounting of the story better than the actual episode. When he told me about Charlie doing Will Hunting I laughed more than when Charlie executed the character.
For me the episode packs too much into such a short span. That's good in a show where plot doesn't matter, like 30 Rock where it's just a series of running jokes, but SUNNY offers good story with interesting plot points. All of that gets lost when you're running through a show on hyperspeed.
Essentially the show could have been split in two. Do the college episode as its own show, and they had a perfect lead with Frank wearing his tight pants. This aspect never gets mentioned, not really, after the opening, but it could have made the rest of the gang seize their youth. This would have led them back to college. Plus, I think Charlie should have done Will Hunting without announcing it. THen maybe ending the episode by showing he's really retarded. I find that more interesting, and I think it would have given Flipadelphia the attention it deserved in another episode.
I mean c'mon, FLIPADELHPHIA!?!?! That's flipping fantastic. I'd watch that episode. Maybe bring back the Korean bar. Have the waitress compete. And rickety cricket, we'd need him.
But no. Instead the show went out with a pffffff, instead of with the bang it deserved. I'm disappointed. I don't feel betrayed, but after a history of big ballsy finales this one didn't stand up.

Top Chef Tonight

On Thursday's episode of THE TONIGHT SHOW with CONAN O'BRIEN the second guest was this season's TOP CHEF winner, Michael V. This just seems like a terrible idea to me, except form the standpoint that BRAVO and NBC are sister companies.
It's a bad idea because of Mike's personality, which is uber-serious. He takes himself serious. He takes his profession serious. He auditioned for a role in the Cohen brothers, A SERIOUS MAN.
Normally I'd say that Conan could just mock the way Mike carries himself, like he does of show producer Jordan. THe difference is that Jordan has no interest in being the star, which is completely contrary to Mike. I knew coming in that Mike would try to be funny, or worse, take the experience super serious.
Bryan on the other hand would have been perfect fodder for Conan. His droll demeanor would have been a perfect foil for Conan, especially since he seems to be able to take a joke. This is in sharp contrast to Mike, who I could see walking off the set.
The most striking thing about Mike's appearance was how short he was compared to Conan. I had no idea that he was this short. That means Kevin is really about 5 foot 3 and Eli fits comfortable in most oversized luggage.
The performance wasn't as terrible as it could have been, with Mike scoring, in my book at least, with a joke about premature ejaculation. I do need to give him credit for not being himself and only making the experience somewhat uncomfortable.

Feedback Please

Because I want to please my readers, I mean reader, Hey Steve, I thought I would inquire into what you wanted to see.
Do you like the direction of the blog? Would you like more reviews? Longer reviews? Shorter reviews?
Should i be doing more movies, books or music?
Or do you just not care?

Do you want more Alex? (That's him sleeping).

Great Reveal on Lost

I think one of the best reveals on Lost is when we learn that Sun made it off the island, while Jin's fate is doubtful. I was literally crying the first time I saw this episode. (I may be a girl who just happens to have a penis).
Yet the reveal is misleading, since (spoiler alert) Jin is ok. Although, they currently have not reconnected. This episode began a long tease about their relationship that is still going on.

It could have ended perfectly, with Jin dying on the boat as he saves Sun, like he promised. Instead he gets a pardon from the Lost gods (seems like a pun). It just didn't do it for me. I get that Jin is a beloved character, but he could have been sacrificed just the way Charlie was.
Charlie made a sacrifice and Jin should have gone down the same path. To not do this is a failure by the writers, unless of course Jin has an amazing story in the final season.
This episode also introduces us to Kevin Johnson, which is Michael's alias on the boat. Up next is the episode detailing the life of Kevin Johnson.

Gladware Champion

It all comes down to tonight’s final challenge between the three finalists on TOP Chef. I’m rooting hard for Bryan, who I picked to win after the first episode. I won’t be devastated if he loses, but I’ll be heartbroken if I have to watch him lose to his brother and experience that shame.
Without further delay let’s get on with the show…
• There were “a lot of bad ass cooks,” Eli. I think this season will stand out, at least in my mind, as the one with the deepest cast of contestants. There were five potential winners, and a whole host of other qualified candidates that could throw their weight around with the big dogs. Although my comparison is only based on watching two seasons of Top Chef, so I might not be the authority on this issue.
• I like the challenge of the first course, where all three chefs have the same ingredients. This gives Michael a chance to backup his claim that Kevin’s food is too simple, since he can really outshine him here. Or it could blow up in his face, if Kevin is able to deliver better flavor with the same ingredients. Bryan will just be Bryan. Speaking of which, I think his brother has a higher ceiling, but Bryan remains at a high level of excellence and avoids the valleys.
• Love Michael trying to come up with something nice to say about his helper. I wonder how many takes it took him before he finally arrived at his backhanded compliment. Bryan, on the other hand, basically drooled about working with Jen. Kevin got a wild card, and I’m interested in seeing how Preeti (that might be right) works out. The distribution this way is not fair. I don’t think it necessarily proves who is the Top Chef.
• In the second round of knife drawing Kevin got hosed again and Bryan picked up another winner. Ash is a good follower, which is ok for Kevin, but Bryan got someone super creative in Ashely. (Did I mention my crush on Ashley?). As for Eli going to Mike, I think he’s just happy he didn’t get Robin. Eli is good, but it doesn’t really matter since Mike is going to be so hand’s on. I can’t imagine him delegating too much authority.
• Kevin says he’s getting mad, and I’m worried how that will manifest itself. We could have our first Top Chef murder.
• Love the fact that the chefs expect a curveball. And they get one, in that they get a curveball by not getting a cuveball. Did that make sense? I have trouble with baseball analogies. Knuckleball?
• Mrs. V has some wild eyes! Curveball! Kevin’s mom is obviously Kevin’s mom. Although I wouldn’t have been surprised if she had a beard too. Fastball!
• I feel like some of the Top Chef contestants would make for good television personalities with their own cooking shows. Southern home cooking with Kevin. Creative creations with Mike.
• Here comes a curveball with Tom! Oh, and he hung the ball over the plate with a challenge that isn’t really too hard. Can’t tell if Mike is being genuine about his childhood memories, but if he is then he is winning points in my book. Almost explains why he has this tough outer shell. What an aww moment, and with the most unlikely person.
• I need to give props to Mike again, this time regarding how well thought out his dishes are. This guy is playing to win, and is demonstrating a real strategy.
• Kevin sounds like he planned his dessert with Jim Gaffigan in mind. If you don’t know, that’s a reference to their shared love of bacon. If he really wanted to please Jim he’s make a hot pocket with bacon in it
• Bryan wins. That’s it. Kevin didn’t blow them away with any ideas or execution. Mike’s performance was marred by the low lows. I think Bryan will win.
• “I was the underdog that showed if you fight really hard you can make it, and it just didn’t go all the way.” Love the sentiment Kevin, even if it contradicts itself.
• Damn! I just paused it as Padma said Michael. He won. They’re trying to throw us another one of those curveballs, except we know it is coming. I hope I’m wrong. But I’m not.
• There it is. BOOOOOOOO. BOOOOOOOOOOO. (Ok, he deserved it)
• Wow, this is actually touching. The mom hugging the two boys. The music. Gail. Oh sweet Gail. Tobey even looks choked up. Love that Mike gives a shout out to Padma about emotion. Anyone who thinks they weren’t banging is fooling themselves.
•
So it says that some eliminations were discussed with Bravo. Going to say that the week Mike bombed, producers refused to let him be eliminated. Makes sense if you consider the whole body of his work.
• “I’m happy and sad.” Classic Mike.
• I’ll have final thoughts next week when they recap it with the cast.
• What did you think????