Saratoga Shore

(Editor's Note: A version of this column will eventually appear in THE SCENE)

Before it is announced where the second season of the Jersey Shore is going to take place, I’d like to suggest a possible new locale for the show.
They need a place offering a host of different bars. They’ll also require a gym, somewhere to tan and a Laundromat. The show might not need a literal boardwalk, but they will require a corny place to walk around, like an historic Broadway. Ultimately, though, they need a destination with an intangible element that creates a mystical aura as if anything could happen and it probably will. Obviously I’m talking about Saratoga Springs in the summer, bro.
Admittedly the show would probably have a different feel in this environment, but that’s fine. Season two would be one part The Simple Life, one part My Cousin Vinny, a dash of Rodney Dangerfield’s misfit behavior in Caddyshack and a pinch of MTV’s Spring Break.
I can’t be the only one who wants to see what these oddities would do at the racetrack. To conform to the dress code in the boxes I could see “The Situation” wearing a white blazer with no shirt and a pair of rip-away pants from his stripping days. Inevitably Snookie would be emboldened by her jockey-like stature to mount a horse and go for a ride, while lamenting the fact that her horse face scares away riders. Because of “J-Woww’s” inclination to find gorilla juiceheads, racing officials will see if those skills apply to other animals as they utilize her ability to sniff out the racehorses using steroids.
It would be compelling television to see this cast hobnobbing at a Whitney gala, tailgating before a SPAC concert, spoiling themselves with a spa day or interacting with real Italians at Chianti Il Ristorante before they motivate a defamation lawsuit.
It’s the night life of Saratoga Springs where these people would really thrive and come alive. The crew would start at Thirteen, because early in the night the dance floor isn’t crowded and this would ensure that they could safely bang the beat without beating locals. From there the possibilities would be limitless.
Most likely Pauly D and “The Situation” would creep after some girls heading into The Tin and Lint, especially because the crowd there skews younger like these ageless wonders like it. From there they would lead a parade back to their rented house on Union Ave., but would get sidetracked in Congress Park after trying to catch a live duck they mistake for a relative of their phone from their Jersey Shore house.
Ronnie and Sammi would definitely bail on the group early in the night after devouring cheese fries from Hot Dog Charlie’s and verbally antagonizing each other after one of them compares the other to a horse. There is also the possibility that Ronnie would be inclined to fight hipsters from The Putnam Dead or tourist guidos at The City Tavern.

Vinny would chase an older woman into Desperate Annie’s, and he would end up staying the night with her. In the morning she would cook him breakfast and then adopt him, thus fulfilling his definitive sexual fantasy.
“Snookie” and “J-Woww” would set up camp on the fourth floor of The City Tavern, where they would command the dance floor before being arrested for violating decency standards that exist everywhere in the world besides Caligula’s Rome and the Jersey Shore.
This night doesn’t even represent the true potential of the cast, as this theoretical whirlwind would be tantamount to their weeknight endeavors. I can’t imagine what this group could do on Caroline Street during Travers, but I can only theorize that it would be a situation.

Murkey Area on the Boardwalk

The idea of THE JERSEY SHORE is not offensive to me. I have had no problem with the show until the most recent episode, which in my opinion showcased violence in a spectacular manner that was out of line. I think that it was inappropriate because it was only two episodes after the show refused to show a woman getting hit and then aired a PSA about violence against women.
That's great, if you want to go that way. But you can't do that and then air two drunk fights in one episode, as if they're just good fun because the genders stuck to their own teams.
In the most recent episode Ronnie got into a scuffle on the Boardwalk and Snookie exchanged claw swipes at the house with "two hippos."

Regarding the former I think the show aired something that was much more violent than when Snookie got dropped. It also showed Ronnie getting into this fight without any repercussions. He didn't start the fight, but he engaged in it and savagely beat another person. While MTV let us know how serious it was with menacing background music, they probably were hypocritical to not block it our or air another PSA.
Also, I think the security on the show has a job to prevent these fights. THere is no reason why they couldn't have stepped in and prevented this. Frankly, I think the person who was beaten has a lawsuit against MTV, on the basis that they encouraged Ronnie to drink, are aware of his violent predisposition and never stepped in. PAULY D could tell this guy was trouble, so there should be some level of culpability for the producers of the show.
Regarding Snookie's incident with two large trespassers, I think security again failed and allowed a preventable occurrence to happen. This isn't the REAL WORLD, it's the JERSEY SHORE, so i don't think people care to see what happened when people start getting real. We want to see them battle the beat and not other people.
Don't get me wrong, though, because I still love this show. I think it is hilarious. But if the show rubs me the wrong way they must be doing something wrong, because while moral compass is rooted in stone, it also needs to get pushed very far before it calls for a change of direction.

Jersey Shore: Create your own reality

Let me first declare my love for the concept of MTV’s new reality show, THE JERSEY SHORE. I think my interest originally stemmed from the potential for comedy on this show, but in honor of full disclosure I must admit I am wildly attracted to these type of girls.
You know the ones I mean. They’re buxom. Usually with fake blond hair or do something goofy with their hair, whether it’s a huge bun or extensions. Oh, and those clothes! It’s like they’ve heard of sluts, but fail to grasp they’re presenting themselves as one. I love it.
But I’m not totally superficial, because I love their attitudes. They’re all about having a good time and with very little thinking. I enjoy turning my brain off.
I have never hooked up with or realistically pursued a girl who could be on the Jersey Shore, and for that I’m eternally disappointed. I guess there is still time for me to get a six pack, embrace my Italian roots and pour gel into my hair like it’s on fire. Alas, I fear this reality, where I’m hob knobbing it with the type of girls my friend Alex mocks me about, shall never come to fruition.
What’s nice about these girls, which apparently are prevalent on the Jersey Shore, is that they’re not limited to the Jersey Shore. I can think of two off the top of my head who fit the mold from my high school. Wherever you’re from you probably know this type of girl. Tell me you’re not in love with them, just a little bit, and I’ll call you a liar.
So this was my initial attraction to the show, yet what convinced me to tune in for real was Bill Simmons’ positive recommendation. That just put me over the edge.
So here are some Jersey Shore thoughts…
• The people in this house are going to create a new form of VD that will kill us all. It will be immune to antibiotics and will eventually become so powerful that Sammie Sweetheart will become attracted to it.
• Love Vinny’s understanding of the world. He definitely is the most self-aware. He just chooses this lifestyle. His assessment of everyone in the house is the closest to my thoughts on the people. Love that he doesn’t think Sammie is hot and I love that he immediately realized he would want the isolated room. Vinny is going to either stick out like a sore thumb because he’s a little different or the other morons (that’s the equivalent to Guido) will be fascinated with him and they’ll all get along. I’d say 30% chance someone comes into his confessional after overhearing him and punches him in the face.
• Snooki is the ugliest girl on the show. She looks old, unattractive and suburned. Ok, they all look a little burned, but it’s not natural light so I’m sure it’s fine. Anyway, I’m going to cringe every time she is on because I hate girls who think they’re insanely hot and look like a heavy set version of Christina Aguilera if she was kicked in the face by a horse and then decided to emulate that horse’s facial expressions as a sign of respect. That being said (Oh Larry David), I would still hook up with her. She’s also a runaway drunk, which I respect.
• Ronny, or ten-pack guy who could kill my whole family, doesn’t seem inclined to wear a shirt. I have no problem with that, since he has a good body. I also appreciate his world view, which primarily revolves around getting laid. I respect that. He’s a simple man. Actually he might not be simple, but his interests are. Very zen. The Phil Jackson of the house.
• “Wear a thong bikini, that’s a little more classy…If you know what I mean.”-Angelina
• Mike and Sammie are holding hands! This romance may not be long lasting, but I’m rooting for these two crazy kids. Their holding of hands seems a little strange. Who knew these kids were so sentimental.
• I could probably do without hearing Snookie throwing up.
• Maybe I’m missing something, but I’m not sure why anyone in the house would be concerned about their “job” and take it seriously. Do you have to leave the show if you get fired? Can you get promoted? Probably my least favorite part of the show, except for the fact it serves to remind us who can and can’t function in the real world.
• Pretty sure I’m in love with Sammie. Yeah, she’s sort of self-aware and is my kind of hot. The total package, maybe? In reality she’s really not that hot. Her close-ups are not doing her any favors.
• “Me, I’m on the outcast.” –Snookie
• Wow, I legitimately like Vinny, Mike and Ronnie. I’m only against Pauly D, and that’s just because he’s a bigot. He can redeem himself! The girls all basically suck, except for Sammie, but her stock is dropping fast.
• So Ronnie referred to Angelina as Jolie. Took me a legit twenty second to figure that nickname out. Love it. Love, love, love it. It is only topped by the fact that Snooki’s dad encourages her to stay on this show. I wonder what his “#1 Dad” mug looks like.
• They lift weights? What? Huh. If they’re going to show that, will they also show their steroid sessions?
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